I Don't Fear The Chaos!

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Bog Roll IS The Cure!!!!!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on March 16, 2020

Assuming you’ve not been punched unconscious in your Supermarket of choice over toilet roll, then you’ll notice masses of halfwits panic buying all manner of products, though mostly toilet roll. Funnily enough it’s the same people who were saying “I’m not worried about the Coronavirus” running out to eye-gouge anyone and everyone to buy a full pallet of toilet roll. Though now they’ll be all smug and saying…

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Because toilet roll is somehow the most important thing! Even before people were panic buying food and hand wash, they were fighting over toilet roll! Does it have some kind of properties I’m not aware of?

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Does these people know you can just have a shower with an old rag to clean yourself? Sounds gross, but when I first developed Ulcerative Colitis I ran out of the ole bog roll once or twice, and ended up having to use an old rag while showering. I just bleached it afterwards in boiling water for use next time (if needed). Needs must, it’s not the end of the world.

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The stupidity of humanity really annoys me, now more than usual as the stockpiling of toilet roll, food and other items will obviously lead to fewer of those items for others. Especially the elderly, ill and housebound (that are most at risk) who can’t get out and so rely on supermarket deliveries (I noticed online when I ordered all the slots were taken up 5 days in advance, to put it into perspective it’s only usually 2). I have UC so I can’t get out as much as it is, but with the Coronavirus now I’m going to have to stay in for my own safety. I take medication that reduces my immune response, which means I get ill easily and it can last for weeks, with the Coronavirus I don’t know how bad it will affect me, that’s not even mentioning the other two illnesses I have.

And there’s many others in the same boat who are far worse than me, who are stuck in and will need those shopping deliveries and provisions, the ones these people are panic buying.

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No one is saying don’t get a bit extra, I’ve been doing that since February, so has my family, but we did it in a way that didn’t take products out of other people’s baskets. As I was writing this I just received a shopping update, 10 items are out of stock… Stuff like bread, eggs and washing up liquid…

You people are cult of Andrex fucktards! The vast majority of you will just feel sick, it’s the elderly and ill that will suffer. The supermarkets will still be open as will the pharmacies, the world will not end!

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I’m going to stop, this was meant to be a bit light-hearted, but I’ve wound myself up now, so I’m going to stop. Talking of being wound up I won’t be replying to the comments on my last blog. The topic just depresses me, so I’ll revisit it at a better time. So apologies to Daffy and Prenin for not replying.

All the best to everyone and take care of each other!

EDIT: I went off one earlier, not everyone’s an idiot, they’re just worried. But I stand by what I said, panic buying is not helpful.

Posted in Culture, Go Fuck Yourself!, Health and wellness, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on February 20, 2020

I have no Country. I have no culture. I have no national identity. I have no history. It’s based on, or soaked in, the blood, pain and forced labour of others.

I (and my “people”) have – over the past two thousand years – invaded, plundered, raped, murdered, destroyed, colonised and subjugated the Countries and Peoples of Scotland,
Wales and Ireland as well as vast swaths of Africa, North America, Asia, Europe and many islands around the world.

I am the most destructive force on Earth – according to some – and I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself and my obvious intrinsic bigotry, advantage and sense of superiority.

And I did all this without the aid of a time machine, money or even leaving my shitty Council Estate.

– Dead. Anarchist. Phil.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

“Conservatives Promise Reform of ‘Abused’ Judicial Review” And it Worries Me

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on December 9, 2019

There’s another general election on December 12th and the Conservative party are planning another reform of ‘Judicial Review‘ – the third time as a matter of fact. In their last three manifestos the Conservatives have promised reform as they say Judicial Review has been abused to interfere in politics.

For those who don’t know (or haven’t read the above link) a Judicial Review is “... a type of court proceeding in which a judge reviews the lawfulness of a decision or action made by a public body.” So basically holding the Government and other public bodies to account.

A  recent example of this was a judicial  review brought forward by Gina Miller against the Government’s Prorogation of Parliament, which she and others viewed as unlawful because it blocked MP’s from scrutinising the Conservative Government’s Brexit plans. Subsequently the UK high court agreed with Miller and Scotland’s Supreme Civil Court and found the Prorogation justiciable and unlawful. You can see other examples of judicial review in action here and here.

It would be intellectually dishonest of me to not mention there was more to the prorogation of Parliament other than the Boris Johnson-led executive trying to unlawfully evade Parliamentary scrutiny of his withdrawl bill.

While I disagree with the prorogation personally I see why it happened, it was a reaction to another undemocratic act – a collective one. That act was the majority of UK MP’s not respecting the vote of the UK electorate to leave the European Union in 2016. Many of those MPs have their own reasons for arguing against leaving, some say the electorate were mislead, lied to and didn’t know what they were voting for. I could argue against this but that’s a different blog and not want I want to talk about here. The fact is the majority voted to leave and were ignored, which is just as undemocratic to me as avoiding parliamentary scrutiny using unlawful prorogation.

Which brings me to section in the Conservative manifesto that concerns me… On page 48 they state:

After Brexit we also need to look at the broader aspects of our constitution: the relationship between the Government, Parliament and the courts; the functioning of the Royal Prerogative; the role of the House of Lords; and access to justice for ordinary people. The ability of our security services to defend us against terrorism and organised crime is critical. We will update the Human Rights Act and administrative law to
ensure that there is a proper balance between the rights of individuals, our vital national security and effective government. We will ensure that judicial review is available to protect the rights of the individuals against an overbearing state, while ensuring that
it is not abused to conduct politics by another means or to create needless
delays. In our first year we will set up a Constitution, Democracy & Rights Commission that will examine these issues in depth, and come up with proposals to restore trust in our institutions and in how our democracy operates.

There’s a few things in there we could unpick, but this piece worried me:

“… while ensuring that it is not abused to conduct politics by another means or to create needless delays.”

It’s all quite vague and ambiguous, most likely on purpose so candidates can make it mean what they want and because the Conservative party is quite divided right now.

Though to me, from what I’m reading, it seems they want to remove scrutiny and thus accountability. They have seen how they’ve been blocked in the past and do not want it to happen again. This isn’t accountability, it’s centralisation of power and the removal of the executive (PM and cabinet) from scrutiny.

The UK tripartite system of politics works when the Judiciary, Executive and Parliament are all independent and exercising restraint on each other. Removing the Executive from that unbalances the system and our democracy, giving the PM and Ministers free rule to do what they want.

The vast majority of judicial reviews that have been conducted have found that public bodies have over stepped their bounds, there has been no abuse of the system, just the perceived abuse Boris Johnson and his cabinet see. Or maybe they don’t see it, maybe they just see an opportunity? If they really cared about “… access to justice for ordinary people” then they’d reduced the £100,000 fee we currently have pay to start one.

Obviously we’re far from a dictatorship, but the precedent it sets is a very bad one. Once we start down that slippery slope it’s a long way back. The idea of doing something undemocratic in the name of Democracy is counterintuitive. However, call me a cynic if you like, I don’t think it’s about democracy or accountability, it’s about power and money.

Posted in News and politics, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Hypnic Jerking!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on August 7, 2019

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Well I should be asleep but I keep dropping off and then jolting awake again. Apparently it’s called Hypnagogic Jerking, if someone had asked me what that meant before I looked it up I’d swear it was something dirty.

Anyone can get it, though people who are sleep deprived, who drink stimulants, have distorted sleep patterns or exercise more closely to bed time are more likely to have it.

I think mine is through a distorted sleep pattern, I’ve felt ill the last 3 days, and on Monday afternoon I went for a kip because I was so tired and had a headache. I ended up pretty much sleeping from 5pm Monday through to 4am Tuesday – and I’ve been awake since.

The cramps and gurgling in my side aren’t helping things either, the UC decided to smack me hard in the chops today. I felt tired and ill all day, but I had a dentist appointment – which I’d already cancelled once before last month due to the UC – so I didn’t eat or drink much on Monday or early Tuesday (My appointment was for 1:30). Still went to the toilet 2 or 3 times before I left. Although not eating or drinking much won’t stop the UC from doing it’s thing, it can minimise the chances of having to visit a toilet or having an accident. I made it there and back without any issues anyway, took my ‘Just in case bag’ too! After I got back I ended up going again 2 more times.

An IBD is like a private British rail company… so inconvenient and unreliable that you may as well stay home! I just thought of that because a train not long went past… You can judge me for that one if you like btw…

Anyway, I’ve waffled enough… I’m going to toddle off and watch a few episodes of Legion series 3. It’s based in the Marvel Universe and revolves around a powerful mutant who has the power of absorbing other mutants minds and powers. There’s a lot more to it than that, like the whole series is viewed through his (Legion/David’s) distorted view of reality, with a lot of weird and strange things that make you “WTF?” a lot. Case in point, The Vermillion…

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I’ve been a Marvel fan since X-Men in the early 90s, but it doesn’t mean I like every marvel TV series as some of them are just typical American action hero-y. While Legion is far more complicated, psychological, moral and philosophical, as well as straight-up crazy!

Posted in Health and wellness, Ulcerative Colitis Diary | Tagged: , , , , | 11 Comments »

In My Shoes: 24hrs with Crohn’s and Colitis

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on July 31, 2019

inmyshoes

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have Inflammatory Bowel Disease? Yeah, you probably haven’t, but now you can experience it yourself, welll, sort of…

Crohn’s and Colitis UK have developed an app with the help of Pharmaceutical company Takeda UK, to give people a view into what it’s like to have an IBD for 24hrs.

You can view the full run down here.

I know it’s step in the right direction, to give people an idea what it’s like and to create awareness, but I don’t think getting texts alerts telling you how tired you are, when you have to to go to the toilet and then take pictures of that toilet is going to cut it.

For one, most people will not have the time to do it, only one family member has done it so far with another saying…

Aint no body

Well she didn’t exactly say that but it was pretty close! Unless you’re experiencing all the actual physical discomfort, the inconvenience, the social isolation and fear of, or the actual soiling of yourself, then it’s hard to understand and know what it’s really like.

I mean, when I go out I nearly always have to go out with a backpack full of stuff. It’s what I call my ‘Just In Case Bag’. Here’s what it usually contains…

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Can’t Wait Card: I always remember this first and foremost! You’re supposed to be able to show it in shops and other public places to use their facilities. I’ve never had to use it but this woman’s daughter did and she was refused. Just know that this isn’t always the case!

Toilet roll: Because public toilet provisions are usually missing and/or dreadful. Also family and friends may not be good enough or plenty enough.

Wet Wipes: I know they’re bad, but when you have an IBD they’re what stands between you and a painfully sore bum.

Multi Surface Wipes: If you’ve ever used a public toilet then you’ll know why! At times I don’t even have the chance to use these. Luckily for me I don’t go out much.

Body Spray: Just to feel clean. Women carry perfume, why can’t I carry that? Stop judging me!

Antibacterial Hand Sanitiser: I use this after I’ve washed my hands in a public toilet, mostly because walking out of the toilets you have to open doors and you don’t know if someone’s not washed their hands as they leave. Stop. Judging. Me.

Bottle of Water: When you have an IBD you need to keep hydrated.

Spare trousers, boxers and socks: You never know if or when you’ll need them!

Imagine walking around with that on you most of the time! I’d like to see them put that in the app! “You have just finished in the public toilet. Wash your hands 3 times and apply half a bottle of hand sanitiser”. I took it to a gig once, which is extremely rare and which I starved myself to get to, and had to hold it with me at all times. I could’ve put it in the cloak room but I would’ve had trouble getting it out in time.

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And finally, on a side note I saw this in an article, what does this sign even mean? Only accessible to people with a rocket wheelchair?

Posted in Health and wellness | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

The ‘Small’ Things In Life

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on June 27, 2019

As I mentioned in my last blog I like the natural world and the little critters that are in it. From a young age I’ve always been fascinated with the little critters and loved seeing them.

Growing up in massive Northern English sprawling concrete estate, with not much green space, I delighted in little critters or other natural world occurrences. I remember seeing Aphids on a Dock plant with black Ants milking them for ‘due’ and marvelling at them! I also remember waking up to Starlings singing, they lived at the top of the Maisonettes in the rotten fascia boards, I don’t hear that much anymore around where I live, though I do hear a lot more song birds since the maisonettes were bulldozed away and new modern housing was built with gardens.

However I’m going of course a bit, this was meant to be about the little critters! When I’ve been fortunate enough to get out and about gardening and just generally enjoying the outdoors I took some pictures! I just want to share these because they make me happy, it’s as simple as that! Seeing these, birds and a nice green space just makes me happy, and so I’m going to share, just cos I can!

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First off, a Bumble-Bee! Picture’s not that great, but Bumble’s always make me smile! One was flying outside window the other day, and I live pretty high up!

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A Millipede! Yeh I know, too many legs… but not everything can be cute! These are so interesting in their own right! They were some of the first creatures on land 443MYA – and they’re still here! Albeit they’re not as big as a Human these days.

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A great big stonking Wasp! I think this was a Queen I disturbed a bit early while tidying the garden up for Spring. She wasn’t happy!

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A Masonry Bee! This little Gal was busy living up to her name by flying in and out of gaps in the Masonry laying her eggs for next year. If you find them in your wall, don’t worry, they’re not hostile and don’t swarm.

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Another Bumble-Bee… just cos! It was pollinating my Raspberry plant!

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Another Bumble! I know… But I’m not sure what type this was. Had a red back but white tail? Anyway, I felt it looked good amongst the Buttercups and Clovers.

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I think this was some kind of Damselfly. Couldn’t be sure as it kept moving the closer I got. I can only assume it didn’t want to be mugged, given where it was!

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A Giant House spider, the kind that get trapped in your bath in September! He was a big mofo, though I’ve seen bigger!

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Keeping with eight legs, although this isn’t a Spider but is closely related to them, it’s a ‘Harvestman’, which is actually an Opilione.

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Coming back to Bees once again, I think the one above is a Bumble-Bee, but I was never able to identify which type. It was all black and looked like a huge fly till I noticed the pollen sacks on its legs. If you know what type it is then let me know.

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One last Bee… I swear! This is obviously a Honey Bee, which I see less and less of these days. I caught this one having a rest on a headstone on a particularly muggy day at the Cemetery.

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A Green Bottle! A bit boring and more of a pest, but I thought it looked more ‘garden friendly’ sitting on a flower, rather than that something else they enjoy so much.

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I know I said one last bee, but this is the final one! Red-Tailed bumble!

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A Hover Fly. Not got a clue which type, but thought it was worthy of a picture.

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I think this is a ‘Leaf Cutter Bee’, resting of course! I know I said no more, but he needed to be included because of his obvious cuteness and general awesomeness!

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A Red Admiral Butterfly (I think it is anyway). It wouldn’t sit still for me to take a picture, but they seem more than willing to sit still and let Cats catch them.

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Another Butterfly, can’t tell what type, because like the other it wouldn’t sit still!

If Moths are your Cryptonite then don’t read on… the last few are months!

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A Day Moth (possibly ‘Burnet’?), being slightly up-staged by a Red Cardinal Beetle!

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I just thought this looked nice with the glass and backdrop! It was probably dead 15 mins after this pic was taken, it was roasting that day and was stuck in a stairwell.

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Another Moth, also stuck on the stair-well, but a bit more brighter this time. I think this was a day Moth too, though not sure what type.

Shield Bug 2018

This one’s a bit blurred, but you can still make out the colours and features. It’s a Shield Bug I found on my kitchen wall. I think this one is the native Common Green Shield Bug (correct me if I’m wrong). The markings on it’s back look like a face with fangs.

Garden spider 2018

I love the colours on this garden spider. I was clearing a corner out last year and this guy came tumbling out of the leaves.

Posted in Health and wellness, Hobbies, Marvelous Nature | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Gardenwatch

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on June 14, 2019

gardenwatch-logo-largeIf you’re anything like me you’ll enjoy some green space and the critters that come with it – especially if you live in an urban jungle.

Though what critters are actually out there, and what are they living in/on – and where? It’s known that the gardens of the UK collectively are the size of Suffolk when combined, but not what inhibits them and what resources are out there and what is taking advantage of them, especially as more countryside and natural habitat is being lost to human development.

This is why the BBC, The British Trust for Ornithology and the Open University are running their biggest ‘Citizen Science‘ project ever – Gardenwatch!

They’re basically asking you to take a few minutes to fill in the online form to tell them about what animals and plants are in this vast resource. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a garden, you could have a communal garden, a balcony, hanging baskets or be in a local park. What matters is that you record what you can and post, it’s as simple as that.

There are 4 missions (the following text is from the BBC website and I don’t claim to have written it or own it):

The Gardenwatch Missions

 

Posted in Health and wellness, Marvelous Nature | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

“You can stop the far right today. #Vote Labour”

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on May 24, 2019

Watch the video.

So, according to Jeremy Corbyn – and one must assume the rest of the Labour party – anyone who voted for the Brexit Party is now part of the “Far right”?

Before I carry on let’s take a moment to look at what the far right actually is in the UK…

The National Front –

  • Only white people should be citizens
  • End non-white migration
  • Non-whites to be stripped of citizenship and deported
  • Racial separatism
  • Euroscepticism
  • Scientific racism

The British National Party

  • Only white people should be citizens
  • End non-white migration
  • Voluntary removal of non-whites by financial incentive
  • Scientific racism
  • Euroscepticism

I do not support any of the above, nor do my family and friends, and I will go out on a limb and say the vast majority of people who went out and voted in the elections for the European Parliament for the Brexit Party are also not any of the above. The only thing I and the millions of people who voted to leave the EU and in these recent elections have in common with those groups is EU scepticism. And even then, their Eurosceptcism is more aggressive and full conspiracy theories.

The above video is partly why the Labour Party are forecast to lose out in the European elections (the other being their indecisiveness on whether to fully commit to leave the EU) and why many traditional Labour voters are being alienated.

The Labour party’s insistence on labelling anyone who has legitimate concerns about immigration and the effect it has on jobs, wages, housing and the general infrastructure of the UK a “bigot”, is losing them votes and shooting themselves in the foot. They’ve been doing it for years and they continue to do it.

It’s the attitude and wording like the above that led to a Brexit supporting pensioner being ‘milk-shaked’. Though, in the interest of fairness, the rhetoric from the hardcore idiots from the Brexit side doesn’t help either.

I, and many other people, do not blame immigrants “for everything”, the issues are more nuanced than that; it’s the same with the vote to leave the EU. However I won’t go into that as that’s another topic to cover.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

A hit and a miss!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on April 30, 2019

Hit and a miss

This has almost happened to me several times! However, I can confirm I did not break the toilet away from the wall and nor did I fall head first onto the floor. I just broke the toilet seat.

In other news I’ve been getting acquainted with my Xbox, when I’m not feeling ill of course, and it’s been quite good getting back into gaming again. It’s been good especially as I can’t go out as much now.

Anyway, I was editing my profile on there yesterday and went to add my ‘Hitler Ballerina’ picture to it, as it turns out pictures of Hitler are frowned upon, even those mocking him. So I received a ‘suspension’ for a day. Luckily I only got banned from editing my profile and other non-essential things that won’t stop me from playing games.

Microsoft have always been funny and ‘selective’ with their idea of what violates their terms of service. When I used to have a ‘Windows Live Space’ they banned me for posting pictures of people with cancerous growths as part of a piece I wrote on smoking. And yet there was some sites on their with full frontal nudity and other sorts of TOS violations.

It’s the same on Xbox live, someone I know on there had a picture of Joseph Stalin for a laugh, and the last time I looked he killed more people than Hitler. Look at the chart below…

Massive Cuntbags

My point is, if you’re going to ‘suspend’ people for breaches of your terms of service then you should do it across the board, not be selective. Not that I support such bans.

I think history forgets the horror and violence of despots like Stalin and Mao Zedong, though I think that’s another topic for another blog.

Right, I’m off, be safe out there, especially around the toilet if you have an IBD or IBS!

Posted in History, Hobbies, Ulcerative Colitis Diary | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

UC Diary: The Ulcerative Colitis Kid Get’s a Sigmoidoscopy!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on March 31, 2019

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Listen to this guy, he knows what he’s talking about!

When you have Inflammatory Bowel Disease it’s routine to have a colonoscopy or Sigmoidoscopy, which are procedures where a camera is inserted in to your bowels to confirm the extent of your illness, or as a routine check-up to monitor progress and symptoms – to see if they’ve become worse lately.

In my case it was the latter. I’ve been having unsettled symptoms for some time, and yet the blood and Calprotectin tests – that look for signs of inflammation – have come back with only minor signs of inflammation. That basically means my Ulcerative Colitis was not considered active. The last few times when I had these tests done I didn’t see my regular IBD nurse (because of lack of staff during the ‘Winter Crisis’ we have each year), who would take me more seriously if I said I had symptoms, as she’s known me nearly 10 years and been a IBD nurse even longer.

So, long story short I saw her back in January of this year and explained my symptoms are more unsettled than usual, my UC has never fully gone into remission, so I’ve nearly always had symptoms to some degree. So she suggested I have a sigmoidoscopy, which is the investigation of the rectum, sigmoid colon and the descending colon (basically the bottom and left-hand side of the large colon). I was reluctant as preparing for the procedure can be annoying and the procedure itself can be uncomfortable. However, I wanted to see the true extent as the specialists had been saying I could have a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which people with Ulcerative Colitis are prone to develop as the large colon will always be sensitive, regardless of remission.

It seemed plausible, the tests had showed very little inflammation and the symptoms could be explained by IBS which I had a predisposition to. So I accepted and was booked for the procedure a few weeks later.

Now, for those who are reading this that may be getting the procedure done, please don’t worry, read to the end.

Two days before you have the procedure done you have to take the bowel prep, which – I’m not gonna lie – tastes horrible! There is no need to go into details here as it does what it’s supposed to do, clears you out, apparently! The hardest thing about the bowel prep is not eating properly the day before, the way it sends you to the toilet are just like normal Ulcerative Colitis anyway. There’s nothing special to report about this part.

The fun started the morning of the sigmoidoscopy. I woke up early as I was due for the procedure at 10am. It’s a good that I did as I had a missed call from my sister who lives in the same building. Figuring it was for me to help her with my niece I rang her and found out the electricity had gone off to our whole block, the surrounding estate and even affected the traffic lights.  I’d just woken up and already traffic was worse than usual and I can’t even have a shower or a wash as everything in the block was recently moved to electricity, even the pump that moves water up to the taps. I thought, “It would have to happen today, wouldn’t it?”

My sister was planning to take my niece to day care but couldn’t as she lives on the top floor, and her boyfriend had already gone out to University. In light of the lifts being off she was going take a day off and look after her. So I said we don’t know how long things were going to be off for anyway, then told her to sort her stuff out and that’d I’d help her down the stairs then get to her car and she could take us to our Mother’s house. There was a bit of risk with that as physical stress can set the UC off at the best of times, having taken a powerful laxative and carrying a trolly and a bag full of assorted baby things down stairs had bad written all over it.

I got off the phone and ended up going to the toilet, as the laxative was still doing its job. After washing my hands in what felt like half a bottle of anti-bacterial gel – as there was no running water – I grabbed my toothbrush; spare pair of everything; toilet roll; wet wipes; medication, change for taxi and a few other bits, still feeling like I’d forgotten several things. As I went out the door I remember noting to myself that if there’s ever a long-term blackout again, or… god forbid… a zombie apocalypse, then sod all would work in my block.

Aaaanyway! After getting my sister and niece out the flat we walked down the staircase, passing other residents on the way, some going down and some coming up. On the way down I wondered if the carpark gate was open, so my sister said she’d check with security. Once we got to the bottom my sister joined a huddle of tenants and staff who were talking in the foyer to check if the gate was open. I thought she’d be there a moment, but as I turned back she was fully immersed in the huddle as I looked back from the end of the corridor. As I did that I ended up getting ambushed by neighbours and staff who wanted a chat, but my insides were turning over and I couldn’t muster much in way of conversation. So after a short chat I shouted to my sister “Time is the of essence!” And with that we were off to the carpark for the car, obviously my little niece didn’t want to go in back and played up – bless her cotton socks. She was put in the back anyway with me to keep her happy and calm and we were on our way.

With my insides still turning over, feeling like I may fill my kecks, we run into traffic before we even got out on to the main road. I thought “Fuck you Universe!” The roads around my block are jammed weekday mornings as it is, but with the traffic lights it was backed up so badly! The irony was our Mother’s house was a short 5 minute walk away; it took us 15 mins or more to get there, with bibbing horns and one car driving up on the walk way to get around!

After getting to our Mother’s my sister took my little niece to day care and I went in the house and checked if it was ok to have a shower. My Mam said yes, but she was about to get one first, I sighed, because I know my Mam can take ages in the bathroom! I noticed at this point my abdominal cramps and urgency pain had gone, so I sat down to watch a bit of TV. Cramps then came back without notice, as always, luckily for me (and my Mam!) she has a downstairs toilet!

After what felt like half an hour (though it was probably less) my Mam had finished and I got myself a shower and brushed my teeth. “Fuck yeah! I’m clean!” For those who don’t know, I like to be clean in general, but especially so as I have an IBD and taken a litre of powerful laxative.

So I went to get dried, took clothes and toiletries out and pulled my medication out by accident too – for the first time! “Fuck off Universe – just as I was feeling better!” Luckily I found them all, got dressed, sorted and went down stairs to see if my Mam was all ready to go (My Mam insists on coming with me to most IBD appointments for reasons I can’t go into here), which I sort of already knew the answer too. Got down and she wasn’t set to go! Using my inside voice I said “For the love of Satan’s balls!” I wouldn’t mind, but she does it every time.

During this time my sister had come back from day care and was waiting for the traffic to ease. While doing so she insisted on eating food in front me that she’d looted from ole Mother Hubbard’s cupboard! Pure. Evil. Doesn’t she know I’m starving?! I suspect she did. While she was relaxed and walling in her own crapulence I asked if she could take us to the hospital on her way into work. Apparently she goes a different way than the Hospital, which is same general direction as her work. If I could’ve slapped the Universe in the chops at that point I would’ve done.

Anyway, evil sister left and me and ole Mother Hubbard got in a taxi and headed for the hospital. As always, there was a problem… horrendous traffic – and I was already 5 minutes late. Then I started feeling ill and that nagging doubt I’d left something behind in the flat earlier returned. “Did I remember my bank card?” (For a snack afterwards!) So I started going through my backpack looking for my card, it was at this point I accidentally pulled out my medication for the second time! I spilled some of them on to the foot space… Lost forever! However, I managed to salvage the others! I then checked all my pockets but couldn’t find my bank card…  I was wound up, feeling ill and now sweating, which sometimes happens with UC. After checking my pockets several times I found my card in one of them, I can only assume that particular pocket is a TARDIS! When we got to the hospital I gave my Mam the money to pay for the cab, turns out there wasn’t enough there. I DID forget something, the other 50p! I’d have paid by card but Taxi firms seem to like living in the 1970s as far as payment is concerned.

As my Mam looked for some change from her purse I rushed into the hospital to book in and instantly went to the wrong floor! If I could’ve done I would have kicked the Universe in the bollocks at this point. I come here often enough, but the IBD investigations are not the same place IBD check-ups are done. In the end I found the right place and booked in, I could sit and relax! Nope!  I had to go to the toilet again. So I rushed to the door to where the toilet is… it’s got a code on it! The nurse tells me the number. Didn’t work! Tried it again… didn’t work! On the 3rd attempt it worked! Got in and in a rush to get my pants off, some more of my medication, which is now in my pocket – flung on the floor for the third time! Have you ever facepalmed on the toilet?

After being in the toilet for ages I came out and waited for another 15 mins and I was called in. They asked me questions they really should’ve known the answers to, but I answered. I was then given a gown and a pair of disposable boxer shorts with a flap at the back, for when the procedure’s done. I was waiting for a while in the recovery ward to be called in, during that time several people came out after having the procedures done and started farting in the beds next to me! It was at this point I realised there really is no God.

While I waited, listening to the sounds of the trumpets, I became thirsty, so I asked one of the 10 nurses busy rushing around for a glass of water; she said she’d get me one. I waited for another 15 minutes, and during that time she looked straight at me 3 or 4 times… I never got that drink of water, but she got an enemy for life that day!

Eventually I was called in and had the Sigmoidoscopy, without a pre-med, as I didn’t want to sit in the recovery ward and breathe in the unspeakable evil that was being emitted from my fellow patients. The procedure itself was the easiest part of the day, albeit uncomfortable, I liked chatting to the Doctor doing it and nurses who were joking with me. As it turns out my UC is active and more extensive than I thought – I assumed it was just going to be Proctitis at the least – but I have left-sided Colitis, which was no big surprise really. However, I felt vindicated after the specialist said I had IBS, I knew I was still ill, though that doesn’t explain why the tests they did didn’t come back positive for inflammation. I think someone done goofed in the lab.

The next step in my story got messy! As the probe looks at the colon wall it uses a little jet of water to wash bowel prep and waste away for a better picture. He must’ve used a lot because when he pulled the probe out the water and mess came with it! That’s never happened before! “I’m wet! Why am I wet?!” I said. The nurse replied “It’s ok, lie on your back”, No, I’m gonna roll in it” I said. I then asked if I could clean myself in the toilet next to the examination room as I wouldn’t have to walk past anyone. She was having none of it, she has to follow procedure. So I reluctantly tried to lie on my back as far away from the big wet patch as possible and get wheeled back to recovery and then rush to the toilet. I thought most of the nurses would be too busy to notice me going to the toilet, how fucking shocked was I when every nurse besides the one pushing me was stood right by the desk next to the toilet, right in front of my bed!

After I was parked up I thought I may as well get me losing my dignity out of the way, after all… I ain’t lying in that mess! So, with my left hand holding my gown on, which had come un-tied somehow, and holding my disposable boxer flap up right hand, I hobbled to the toilet with a mess running down my legs! I took a long time in that toilet cleaning myself, using wet wipes, anti-bacterial soap and toilet paper to clean myself – followed by a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash.

You. Have. No. Idea. The things, man… the things I’ve gone through in life! The indignity!

If you’re going to have one these procedures done, don’t worry… it’s not as bad as you think. The above was one of my worse days, the procedure itself wasn’t an issue, it was everything else going on that made it difficult. I’ve had this done before and it was very straight forward, with no issues or mess. I just wanted to write this to say there’s nothing to fear from having it done, after all… you couldn’t have a worse day than I did! If you have, leave a comment and let me know.

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