Why Do I Bother?

Why do I care about people, situations and things others don’t give much thought to or don’t really think about at all?

Why do I have pleasure in the little things in life that people see as annoying? I love it when it rains, it gives me a feeling of protection and relaxation, I like to walk in it and experience it. I like to feel it on my face, I like to see the cars pass by and drive though the rain creating a spray. I like the seasons, I like colour and distinctiveness each one brings, Spring is so fresh and cool, the most pleasant of the seasons on my opinion. Most of the landscape is still skeletal (such a bare, baron, horrible word to describe something beautiful) but is starting to kick back to life.

Summer, my least favourite season, mostly because I don’t like warm weather and everyone’s happy with the Sun and I aint because I’m still a miserable bastard not able to turn my thoughts off. It does have Its benefits though, the air is the most scented at this time, especially in the evenings when it’s cool and the sun is setting. Autumn is great! I love it, it’s so calm and cool with more colour than in Summer, I like the calm of early Autumn, before it gets all blustery and cold. Winter is nice and cool, even if it rains I don’t care, it’s so wonderfully depressing!

I like seeing beauty everywhere! It may sound so strange to whoever’s reading this but I do! Where it doesn’t exist I want to create it, where it does exist I want to explore and look at it. When I was kid I’d rather get lost in the undergrowth near my house and explore it than play football. If I wasn’t doing that I was drawing, painting or making things, I also so got in trouble, I aint perfect!

I don’t always see beauty everywhere though, even when I’m looking straight at a beautiful view I have visions of some terrorist cutting a person’s head off while the person is still alive, and the people doing it are so hateful and full of glee while an innocent human being suffers. Starvation, ethnic cleansing, rotting bodies on some battlefield, children being raped, I can’t forget it! It makes me want to go out and wipe the bastards off the face of the Earth! Starting with the gangsters and human filth in my own area, destroy them before they destroy the innocence or life of somebody else. I know, I sound like the people I hate, but I aint doing it to consolidate my power, out of ‘racial’ hatred or for monetary means, just to dispense with these so-called Humans who act more like Hyenas! You know what, Hyena aint good enough, these people need a new name!

Actually, Humans may be the best name, because it seems a lot of people are like the scum I see! There’s a part in the new BatMan film where a boat full of prisoners and a boat full of innocent people get a detonator each to the bombs under each other’s ship. In the film they never blew each other up, in reality it would’ve been a different story, I think either of them would’ve done it. The majority of humans are selfish, ignorant animals that would fuck you over or leave you to rot if their life depended on it. Like in Room 101, when Winston was confronted with his greatest fear, he said: “Do it to Her! Do it to Julier!”. Julier was his Girlfriend and love, he wanted her eyes to be eaten out by ravenous Rats instead of his own. Makes me wonder how many people would do the same thing in reality, the conclusion I come to depresses me! In reality people don’t have to make a horrible choice like Winston, they just have to pay attention to the world around them and take action when acts of injustice, corruption or other unjust acts are carried out. But no, even that’s too hard. Charity isn’t good enough, it will never be good enough, neither is always relying on the Government, Police or law. Humanity needs to pull its collective head out of its collective arse and take notice of the world around it and stop being so fucking selfish, blind and lazy! I wish they’d just not accept the way things are!

I want to change things, I want to fix things! But humanity is so unwilling to change because of its nature and I know if I go in to Politics I’d just be banging my head against a steel wall of corruption and a solid wall of stupidity. People wont like the truth and would rather vote for someone who gives them exaggerated promises or touts left or right policy. It’s next to impossible for me to do anything but my mind wont let me forget it, why the fuck do I constantly get pissed off about it, things I can’t change! My mind will never stop, I need to do something.

The mish-mashed strings of thoughts in my head I want to come out right now are all knotted, I can’t explain fully! The whole situation just fucks me off big time! I don’t like humanity and feel alienated from it, but I hate to see people suffer, Alcoholics, starving people, the mentally ill and everything and anything else in-between! If I turn my back on humanity like so many people do and retreat in to their lives and forget about the world outside, who’s going to help these people? I feel like I’ve already failed because I know I’m never going to be able to make an effect change. 

I know when I look at life it’s so trivial and meaningless, but when I see things from that angle nothing matters, and everything on Earth will never matter and neither will anything I do. I feel like that on and off every day, maybe its my obsessive compulsive state of mind? That’s all I can think of. There’s no other explanation for the state of mind I have.

I see wonderful beauty, which is then over shadowed by barbaric, selfish acts of human nature, and I want to do something about it, but I can’t, and I just can’t accept that I can’t! Not while the world’s the way it is. And nothing that anyone says will change that or humanity, it’s an unrelenting fire inside of me that will never go out ’till I’m dead!

Garden Project

I’ve recently got my arse in gear and started doing some work in the house and garden again. Being ‘sick’ on three fronts and living where I do it’s hard to get motivated, but I’ve managed to sort myself out somewhat and I’ve been busy in the garden preparing it for next Spring.

Ever since I was a kid on the council estate in the masionettes I wanted a garden, a place for some privacy from everyone else on the estate. Where I lived on the ground floor there was a grassy area behind the masionettes backed by an iron fence painted black, some front door areas had grass too, however we had a brick area in front of ours. Even though there was a grassy area behind our house it was looked upon as private and also communal, depending who you ask. People who’s living rooms backed on to the area didn’t want children or people playing/walking behind it as when you walked past the windows you could obviously see straight in their house, there was also the possibility that a football could easily put a window in.

So I used to play behind our house sometimes digging holes and looking at the weeds, plants and insects that lived there, I couldn’t play unhindered for long as people would tell you to “shift!” because I was wandering near their houses or older local lads would come by and make fun of me for looking at plants digging holes and playing with toys, something that was natural for a boy of four to eight year-old (that was when I used to play behind there). I was more at home crawling through undergrowth and looking at plants and animals than playing football, messing about on street corners or pointlessly walking around the streets doing nothing. Of course I got a lot of stick for this but that’s another story.

On the old estate there was such a lack of privacy unless you lived on the second floor, no one could see in your window. So when we moved to our new house when I was 13 I loved the fact I had a garden to mess in without anyone bothering me. Didn’t turn out like that because at the back of my house is a 16 floor block of flats and everyone can over see your garden and what you’re doing in it. So I planted two Leylandiia trees to block the view, it worked and did block they’re view, but now they’re too big and they have to come down. Once they do everyone can see in to the garden again and I aint happy about that!

So what I want to do is the move two of the three Butterfly bushes I have to the back of the Garden and let them grow as tall as possible, I don’t think they’ll grow as big as the Leylandiia trees but they’re fast growing and better than nothing!

Here’s what I’ve done so far…

This was on the day I started cleaning things up, it was filmed about a week ago.
           
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        This is it now, it still isn’t done yet but looks a lot better, even if you can’t see the detail because of the camera I use. The glare is a little strong, sorry about that.
                             

I still have a few plans for the garden that I need to draw up, when I’ve done them I’ll share them with you in a blog. Looks like it will only be basic stuff though because I’m short on funds!

I’ll leave you with this rather fat Spider! It was as big is it looks!
                              

Atheist Or Agnostic?

Just been on Harsh’s blog talking about the answer to religion, though I don’t think there’s any answer to religion except for maybe a good education Harsh left me thinking about being Agnostic or Atheist.

Ever since I was in my early teens I’ve thought I was Agnostic, here’s why: I can prove the world’s religions and Gods were invented and written by Humans. It’s so obvious, the contradictions for a start, what God contradicts itself? It’s flawless yet it contradicts itself, religious believers and followers cite the fact that imperfect humans wrote the religious books, therefore that’s why the texts are not perfect.

Well, a lot of deaths have resulted from these ‘imperfect’ words, why did God allow Humans to write it when it knew Humans are flawed and would leave too much space for interpretation, which thus lead to fractionating of the religion and many innocent deaths. God is all-powerful, why not magic up a biro and pair of hands to write the book itself or endow the writer or all Humans with the knowledge? It leaves no room for interpretation that way, no one suffers and everyone believes!
 
I’ll tell you why, because it was written by Humans! No God would leave room for interpretation, especially the flawless kind in the Middle Eastern Religions. Of course the religious believers try to get around this by saying God wanted Humanity to have freedom of choice instead of being endowed with the knowledge and word of God. That’s complete shite! It’s how they compensate for the way it was written, everyone has to submit to God by themselves. What kind of God creates a planet full of Humans and gives them free will to submit to it if it already had the power to make them submit anyway? Sounds like a God with low self-esteem and a touch of megalomania.

It wasn’t God it was a Human, a Human with a thirst for power and control. How else could you explain the above and the way the books were written? Why would a God not take in to account the way language would change over millennia? It must’ve knew some words and meanings would be lost in translation? Again, it’s Humans who didn’t take that in to account. Which explains why so much of the religious texts of the world were written in the language and style of the time and why it’s a reflection of the social climate of the time, i.e extremely male dominated society, slavery was okay and God said so, so was rape, murder and anything else, as long as they were unbelievers (Even though it says “Thou shalt not kill!”).

God knows all, and sees all that is to come? So pretty much everyones’ mind has been made up whether they believe in a God or not, that concept of freedom of choice is null and void then? So trying to save people is pointless, not only that but all Wars there ever was or ever will be have been pre-planned by God and so was the suffering. So the rape of Children, burning alive, 9’11 and every other bad thing you can imagine was pre-planned by God. What kind of creature would do that?… and what for? Entertainment? Of course it aint God it’s Humans again, nothing is set in stone and we make all our own choices.

I could go on with examples but you get the idea. However, just because the religions of the world and Gods in them were an invention by man as  tool of control doesn’t leave the concept of a God Null and void. I can disprove the Gods in the religions of the world but not that there may be something, somewhere that could constitute a God type entity that may have had a hand in creating the Universe. I can’t say either way, and neither can anyone else. Which is why I call myself Agnostic.

Is that pretty straight forward? Well have a read of these and tell me what you think.

(1) Because I can point out and prove the world’s religions and God/s were invented and written by men does it mean I’m an Atheist?

(2) And if it does can I not be Agnostic about the existence of a ‘God’ like thing, being or entity that may or may not exist outside the world’s religions?

(3) If this God does exist does that make the world’s religions are right?