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Why Do I Bother?

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on September 30, 2009

Why do I care about people, situations and things others don’t give much thought to or don’t really think about at all?

Why do I have pleasure in the little things in life that people see as annoying? I love it when it rains, it gives me a feeling of protection and relaxation, I like to walk in it and experience it. I like to feel it on my face, I like to see the cars pass by and drive though the rain creating a spray. I like the seasons, I like colour and distinctiveness each one brings, Spring is so fresh and cool, the most pleasant of the seasons on my opinion. Most of the landscape is still skeletal (such a bare, baron, horrible word to describe something beautiful) but is starting to kick back to life.

Summer, my least favourite season, mostly because I don’t like warm weather and everyone’s happy with the Sun and I aint because I’m still a miserable bastard not able to turn my thoughts off. It does have Its benefits though, the air is the most scented at this time, especially in the evenings when it’s cool and the sun is setting. Autumn is great! I love it, it’s so calm and cool with more colour than in Summer, I like the calm of early Autumn, before it gets all blustery and cold. Winter is nice and cool, even if it rains I don’t care, it’s so wonderfully depressing!

I like seeing beauty everywhere! It may sound so strange to whoever’s reading this but I do! Where it doesn’t exist I want to create it, where it does exist I want to explore and look at it. When I was kid I’d rather get lost in the undergrowth near my house and explore it than play football. If I wasn’t doing that I was drawing, painting or making things, I also so got in trouble, I aint perfect!

I don’t always see beauty everywhere though, even when I’m looking straight at a beautiful view I have visions of some terrorist cutting a person’s head off while the person is still alive, and the people doing it are so hateful and full of glee while an innocent human being suffers. Starvation, ethnic cleansing, rotting bodies on some battlefield, children being raped, I can’t forget it! It makes me want to go out and wipe the bastards off the face of the Earth! Starting with the gangsters and human filth in my own area, destroy them before they destroy the innocence or life of somebody else. I know, I sound like the people I hate, but I aint doing it to consolidate my power, out of ‘racial’ hatred or for monetary means, just to dispense with these so-called Humans who act more like Hyenas! You know what, Hyena aint good enough, these people need a new name!

Actually, Humans may be the best name, because it seems a lot of people are like the scum I see! There’s a part in the new BatMan film where a boat full of prisoners and a boat full of innocent people get a detonator each to the bombs under each other’s ship. In the film they never blew each other up, in reality it would’ve been a different story, I think either of them would’ve done it. The majority of humans are selfish, ignorant animals that would fuck you over or leave you to rot if their life depended on it. Like in Room 101, when Winston was confronted with his greatest fear, he said: “Do it to Her! Do it to Julier!”. Julier was his Girlfriend and love, he wanted her eyes to be eaten out by ravenous Rats instead of his own. Makes me wonder how many people would do the same thing in reality, the conclusion I come to depresses me! In reality people don’t have to make a horrible choice like Winston, they just have to pay attention to the world around them and take action when acts of injustice, corruption or other unjust acts are carried out. But no, even that’s too hard. Charity isn’t good enough, it will never be good enough, neither is always relying on the Government, Police or law. Humanity needs to pull its collective head out of its collective arse and take notice of the world around it and stop being so fucking selfish, blind and lazy! I wish they’d just not accept the way things are!

I want to change things, I want to fix things! But humanity is so unwilling to change because of its nature and I know if I go in to Politics I’d just be banging my head against a steel wall of corruption and a solid wall of stupidity. People wont like the truth and would rather vote for someone who gives them exaggerated promises or touts left or right policy. It’s next to impossible for me to do anything but my mind wont let me forget it, why the fuck do I constantly get pissed off about it, things I can’t change! My mind will never stop, I need to do something.

The mish-mashed strings of thoughts in my head I want to come out right now are all knotted, I can’t explain fully! The whole situation just fucks me off big time! I don’t like humanity and feel alienated from it, but I hate to see people suffer, Alcoholics, starving people, the mentally ill and everything and anything else in-between! If I turn my back on humanity like so many people do and retreat in to their lives and forget about the world outside, who’s going to help these people? I feel like I’ve already failed because I know I’m never going to be able to make an effect change. 

I know when I look at life it’s so trivial and meaningless, but when I see things from that angle nothing matters, and everything on Earth will never matter and neither will anything I do. I feel like that on and off every day, maybe its my obsessive compulsive state of mind? That’s all I can think of. There’s no other explanation for the state of mind I have.

I see wonderful beauty, which is then over shadowed by barbaric, selfish acts of human nature, and I want to do something about it, but I can’t, and I just can’t accept that I can’t! Not while the world’s the way it is. And nothing that anyone says will change that or humanity, it’s an unrelenting fire inside of me that will never go out ’till I’m dead!

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11 Responses to “Why Do I Bother?”

  1. The Divine Mrs M said

    hello phil.. wotcher? well everyone and everything is so ‘dumbed down’ these days. I know it does my head in.Who is making the \’Rules\’? that\’s what I want to know. Oh it’s a ‘terrible thing’ this person did this and THAT person said ‘that’ but ..wait a minute?> that OTHER person did something 10 times worserer, but it\’s ok we\’ll let them off.. cos they is more cool/wicked/fckn Loaded… innit?It\’s all a joke isn\’t it? I\’m struggling to follow my own train of thought here.. but all I want to say to you phil is \’DON\’T lose your passion-for god\’s sake!Folks like yourself are a dying breed..and we can\’t afford to lose another single soul!sorry if this response sounds garbled… but it came with a dollop of love! take care friend!mags xAlso, a lot of people are only looking out for \’number 1\’ and to hell with anybody else. It\’s depressing stuff.

  2. Pete said

    Sorry I haven\’t been around. New job and all that and noaccess to the internet which actually, is not all bad.I wont respond to your comment on my comment simply because my next blog will – you wioll understand when you read it. I simply state that whilst there is a whole load of shit going on in this country at the moment, there is one thing that really worries me more than anything and also what I will – or wont – be doing about it.Take care pal and I hope your feeling wellPete

  3. Prenin said

    I couldn\’t agree more Phil, but sometimes we don\’t get the chance to make the big changes!We have been trying to get a Multi Use Games Area (MUGA) built on King Georges field for nearly 20 years.We get to the point of them actually starting the work – and nothing happens because the Politicians don\’t have the guts to say no and just leave us hanging with useless promises and assurances, then we get a new bunch of folks take over the T&RA and suddenly we\’re back to square one and facing useless promises again!!!As long as we have politicians looking after their own interests instead of those of the people things like this will go on and on…God Bless mate!Prenin.

  4. Sarah said

    hear not heal

  5. Sarah said

    Wotcha Phil,I\’ve been watchin§ your §arden video … I was §onna say \’§et rid of the Leylandii" \’til I saw the flats so I see your dilemma…At least you\’re thinkin§ ahead .. shows some sort of optimism ..Oh By the way I heal that P.I.L. were reformin§ … not sure if it\’s a rumour or reality …Hope you have a §ood weekend ..Hope the UC doesn\’t play up too badly either .. take care mate,Lotsa love from Sezza xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  6. Robin said

    Phil my friend stop trying to right all the wrongs in this world you have no reason to carry this burden on your shoulders. Why should it be a problem to you, you are what you are. we will be lumbered with greed for years to come its human nature to want more, have a better quality of life. I don’t think its being selfish to have self interest fist. There is much what others have done to make this a better world you will never read or hear about and they care very much as do all those who work in the caring industry. So my advice bud is calm down and leave the world to mend its own ways.good blog my you are a complexed guy take care Robin

  7. HRH Daf said

    Hey Phil! Oh my youve covered an epic amount of subjects in this blog havent ya? Id have to leave an essay to cover what I think about all of it. So instead Ill ask you if youve ever heard of the \’bystander effect\’? Its a well documented group behaviour and I think goes a long way to explaining the apathy you feel the public in general shows. Little link for you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JozmWS6xYEw although this is just a very brief example. My point is just that almost every one as an individual does care about things, but group behaviour is completely different. I could talk about this for ages, but what Im getting at really is you either follow that group behaviour and do nothing, or you think independently and make whatever changes you can, in small ways as the comment below says. The world is not your responsibility, but anything proactive might make you feel a bit better about it. Keep enjoying the things that give you pleasure!Hugs Daf xxx

  8. Prenin said

    Hi dude! :o)I agree with you 100% about the world in its beauty and the horror human ity brings to it!From the day I first moved in my home I have tried to change the area for the better and it HAS got better, but not just through my efforts – I was just one person of many!!! :o)Today all is peaceful because we gave the kids places to go and things to do.Stripped of their cover, unable to hide behind the other kids, the asswipes are now manageable because they have nobody to hide behind and the troublemakers have largely moved out of our area to cause trouble in Chadderton!Exporting our problem?Since a lot of the trouble causers are from Alkrington they\’re not so much exported as banned.Most have ASBO\’s against them banning them from our area, but they ignored these because they could hide behind the others – now they have no-one to hide behind and have to go where they are not known.We cannot deal with the criminals, the slavers, the drug dealers and the terrorists unless the world works together with one set of laws – and as long as there are multiple governments unwilling to work together for a common cause, because many are just plain corrupt, it isn\’t going to happen….Change the world in small ways my friend – the big ways will happen in the end.God Bless!Prenin.

  9. Sarah said

    Hiya Phil …. I care too … and always will … some of us do and some don\’t … I used to look at people and think does everyone feel the way I do …and I\’ve come to the conclusion that NO they don\’t …take care my friend xxxxxxxxxx

  10. Pete said

    You are still carrying the problems of the world on your shoulders aren\’t you. It is noble that you care and I have nothing but admiration that most ignorant and selfish people go about their day, you feel alone in caring about the plight of others and our country.You know something – I like winter and do you know why? It is cold, dark and there are fewer thugs, yobs and knobheads littering our streets because even though they act as if they are tough and hard, they cannot handle a bit of weather can they?THe world is a wonderful and beautiful place full of wonders, miracles and things of beauty. I was very much like you – and still and sometimes – seeing darkness everywhere I turn, seeing the worse in everyone, expecting the worse to happen but I am learning to focus more of my energies, emotions and feelings on what matters, my family and in particular, my daughter.I can\’t help feeling that your take on the world is largely down to your condition and the restricitve effect on you having a decent quality of life and I really don\’t blame you because most of my darker times came during my coming to terms with my daughters condition and asking what I had done to deserve it. I suffered great anxieties but in the end I learned if that\’s how I continue to think, that will always be the way I feel. It didn\’t happen over night but slowly I chipped away at those grey clouds and started to see som light – they are still there Phil but I just try and see past them and focus on the bright and good.Take carePete

  11. Amanda said

    Oh dear Phil, you have got it bad :(I personally understand your frustration with how you feel about the way of the world, a feeling of helplessness, like your at a loss all the time. And in effect you will always feel like that, because single handedly you could never achieve what you desire which would give you the sense of peace you crave. That \’unrelenting fire\’ inside you will forever keep burning unless you learn a way to to dispatch some of those images you have in your mind, to cast aside those thoughts that never leave you, and accept that things will never change. You made a positive comment of how you love the smell of rain, the colours in each season, to paint and be creative. Maybe it is time for you to focus more on the things that give you all this pleasure, rather than giving a vast amount of your energy into debates that are unhealthy for your mind.This is of course just my opinion, as a friend, as someone who sees the anguish through your writings.Hugs xxxxxxxx

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