Why Do I Bother?
Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on September 30, 2009
Why do I care about people, situations and things others don’t give much thought to or don’t really think about at all?
Why do I have pleasure in the little things in life that people see as annoying? I love it when it rains, it gives me a feeling of protection and relaxation, I like to walk in it and experience it. I like to feel it on my face, I like to see the cars pass by and drive though the rain creating a spray. I like the seasons, I like colour and distinctiveness each one brings, Spring is so fresh and cool, the most pleasant of the seasons on my opinion. Most of the landscape is still skeletal (such a bare, baron, horrible word to describe something beautiful) but is starting to kick back to life.
Summer, my least favourite season, mostly because I don’t like warm weather and everyone’s happy with the Sun and I aint because I’m still a miserable bastard not able to turn my thoughts off. It does have Its benefits though, the air is the most scented at this time, especially in the evenings when it’s cool and the sun is setting. Autumn is great! I love it, it’s so calm and cool with more colour than in Summer, I like the calm of early Autumn, before it gets all blustery and cold. Winter is nice and cool, even if it rains I don’t care, it’s so wonderfully depressing!
I like seeing beauty everywhere! It may sound so strange to whoever’s reading this but I do! Where it doesn’t exist I want to create it, where it does exist I want to explore and look at it. When I was kid I’d rather get lost in the undergrowth near my house and explore it than play football. If I wasn’t doing that I was drawing, painting or making things, I also so got in trouble, I aint perfect!
I don’t always see beauty everywhere though, even when I’m looking straight at a beautiful view I have visions of some terrorist cutting a person’s head off while the person is still alive, and the people doing it are so hateful and full of glee while an innocent human being suffers. Starvation, ethnic cleansing, rotting bodies on some battlefield, children being raped, I can’t forget it! It makes me want to go out and wipe the bastards off the face of the Earth! Starting with the gangsters and human filth in my own area, destroy them before they destroy the innocence or life of somebody else. I know, I sound like the people I hate, but I aint doing it to consolidate my power, out of ‘racial’ hatred or for monetary means, just to dispense with these so-called Humans who act more like Hyenas! You know what, Hyena aint good enough, these people need a new name!
Actually, Humans may be the best name, because it seems a lot of people are like the scum I see! There’s a part in the new BatMan film where a boat full of prisoners and a boat full of innocent people get a detonator each to the bombs under each other’s ship. In the film they never blew each other up, in reality it would’ve been a different story, I think either of them would’ve done it. The majority of humans are selfish, ignorant animals that would fuck you over or leave you to rot if their life depended on it. Like in Room 101, when Winston was confronted with his greatest fear, he said: “Do it to Her! Do it to Julier!”. Julier was his Girlfriend and love, he wanted her eyes to be eaten out by ravenous Rats instead of his own. Makes me wonder how many people would do the same thing in reality, the conclusion I come to depresses me! In reality people don’t have to make a horrible choice like Winston, they just have to pay attention to the world around them and take action when acts of injustice, corruption or other unjust acts are carried out. But no, even that’s too hard. Charity isn’t good enough, it will never be good enough, neither is always relying on the Government, Police or law. Humanity needs to pull its collective head out of its collective arse and take notice of the world around it and stop being so fucking selfish, blind and lazy! I wish they’d just not accept the way things are!
I want to change things, I want to fix things! But humanity is so unwilling to change because of its nature and I know if I go in to Politics I’d just be banging my head against a steel wall of corruption and a solid wall of stupidity. People wont like the truth and would rather vote for someone who gives them exaggerated promises or touts left or right policy. It’s next to impossible for me to do anything but my mind wont let me forget it, why the fuck do I constantly get pissed off about it, things I can’t change! My mind will never stop, I need to do something.
The mish-mashed strings of thoughts in my head I want to come out right now are all knotted, I can’t explain fully! The whole situation just fucks me off big time! I don’t like humanity and feel alienated from it, but I hate to see people suffer, Alcoholics, starving people, the mentally ill and everything and anything else in-between! If I turn my back on humanity like so many people do and retreat in to their lives and forget about the world outside, who’s going to help these people? I feel like I’ve already failed because I know I’m never going to be able to make an effect change.
I know when I look at life it’s so trivial and meaningless, but when I see things from that angle nothing matters, and everything on Earth will never matter and neither will anything I do. I feel like that on and off every day, maybe its my obsessive compulsive state of mind? That’s all I can think of. There’s no other explanation for the state of mind I have.
I see wonderful beauty, which is then over shadowed by barbaric, selfish acts of human nature, and I want to do something about it, but I can’t, and I just can’t accept that I can’t! Not while the world’s the way it is. And nothing that anyone says will change that or humanity, it’s an unrelenting fire inside of me that will never go out ’till I’m dead!