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Coalition Government Deprives Salford and Manchester Of £2bn Investement!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on January 26, 2011

Today the Coalition Government shelved plans to invest £2 billion pounds in to Salford and Manchester, citing lack of funds and the fact it was a Labour plan they just couldn’t deliver on. Minster of State for Housing and Local government, Grant Shapps, said: “This plan just isn’t feasible, in fact it couldn’t have been carried out under the previous Government, unless they borrowed more money, which was out of the question then, and certainly out of the question now.” 

Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, Eric Pickles, also said: “With the huge deficit we were left with, we just can’t afford these schemes anymore, these are hard times, and hard times call for hard decisions, which is one we have to take now. We are truly sorry for the people in those North West cities that suffer with the problems they do, but at the moment we just can’t help.”

Hazel Blears, leader of the Labour North West Group, said Salford and Manchester were: ” Paying the price for the coalition’s cruel cuts.” Miss Blears added: “It usually happens this way, first comes a Tory Government, then comes Tory cuts, then comes Salford and Manchester suffering under those cuts, while Councils and Cities of the South will see their budgets rise. It’s disgraceful!”

There has been fierce debate in recent weeks as to why the plans and funding have really be stopped. Some people have pointed to ITV TV Presenter Jeremy Kyle. Mr. Kyle, who is the presenter of the Jeremy Kyle show, the UK’s answer to Jerry Springer. Kyle’s show, which is filmed at the Manchester based Granada Studios, draws 75% of it’s on stage guests, 100% of it’s in house audience and 60% of the TV audience from Salford and Manchester.

Mr. Kyle said: “To say that my campaign, my small campaign, is completely responsible for the stopping of investment in to Salford and Manchester is absurd! I would like to think  it was souly responsible, but it just isn’t true.” When asked about his campaign to stop investment in to Salford and Manchester he had this to say: “Well, where will I be, where will my crew be, where will ITV be if Salford and Manchester are ‘depopulated’ as the MOD put it? I’d be out of a job, my crew would be.”

Ms. Blears said said Jermey Kyle and people like him, we’re being “selfish” and obstructing the regeneration of Salford and Manchester, purely for their own monetary benefit. She said: “Not letting the MOD proceed with the carpet bombing of Salford and Manchester (Operation: Kill The Lot) was outright wrong and denying the Cities a new Birth.” She continued: “Jeremy Kyle has the ear of the PM and deputy PM as they’re both big fans of his show, there’s also the fact the Tory party can’t bring itself to wreck a good private business like ITV. I ask you, what is better? A new Salford and Manchester or shareholders of ITV? I think you know which matters most

When asked about her insistence and urgency for Manchester and Salford to be wiped off the map she balked: “I assume you’re referring to that story in the Daily Mail? The one where I apparently want the area bombed quickly so I get my 12 thousand acres of virgin land? It’s all rubbish, I’m here for a new birth of Salford, and anyway, it was 12 hundred, not 12 thousand. And, why shouldn’t I have some? When the people from Oxford and the other Home counties are brought up to resettle the area I think it’s right there be someone local to ease them in to their transition here.”

The MOD said it was ready and willing when Westminster gave it the green light to lay waste to the “Scruffy little fuckers”. Untill then it’s Jets were ready and waiting.

The Population of Salford and Manchester were still not bothered about the proposed plans a full two years after they were announced. They seem completely oblivious to the huge 50 foot wall being built around the two cities by gleeful Liverpudlians and Anti-MUFC fans from all around the country. One Liverpudlian said: “”bout time they were wiped out init, la? We’ve had 50 odd years of bad jokes, Manchester United, Scallies and shit music, I’m glad the Government’s doin’ somert about it! Once the Liberal Democrats and Labour force a vote on the issue in Parliament the bombs will fall, and this wall will stop any of them escaping!” Loud cheers were heard all around the area of wall we were interviewing at.

The residents with any brains have long since left the two cities and settled elsewhere. It’s believed there’s only the lazy, stupid, Scallies, Chavs, Scrotes and non english speaking immigrants who don’t understand what’s going on. However, one fed up resident said he had a bit of bad luck and was stuck in Manchester because he couldn’t sell his house. The man, who only gave his name as “A bit fed up” said: “I’ve invested a lot of money in this house, and I’m not prepared to lose it! I tried to sell it but who of the people left in the City would buy a house? They’re all idiots!” Curiously 91% of the population still remains, which shows just what everyone was thinking all this time, that Salford and Manchester is full of idiots and wankers devoid of any sense. Except ‘A bit fed up’, who’s a bit unfortunate.

We just got word, the vote is in, there’s a resounding Yes vote in Parliament. Bombing begins in 10 minutes!

                                                                              

                                                  Protest outside Granada Studios, Manchester, lead by Jeremy Kyle.

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12 Responses to “Coalition Government Deprives Salford and Manchester Of £2bn Investement!”

  1. Pete Judge said

    OK, I was a bit slow at first catching on, but I got there in the end. Been a bit of a hard day so you understand…
    Very funny, very clever and in so many ways, so very true.
    It would solve a few problems wouldn’t it and let’s be frank, for a large chunk of the population wouldn’t really be missed. Imagine the money it would save too.

    Must admit, as well as your intelligent, scything and toxic social commentary and deep insight into illness, you can pen some good satire too……

    Now if someone knocks at the door it’ll be some of Kyle’s henchmen, tell them it wasn’t you!

    • I got a few ideas for these, I may make it a category! Yeh, it would solve a lot of problems and them people wouldn’t be missed anyway, and you’re right on the money again, it would save a shit load of it! Only a couple of million would be spent on the bombing, the rest would go on developing the land aftwards. Though, if this really happened I think we know who’d be reciveing the land!

      Um, did you read the posters and suss who ‘A bit fed up’ was? LOL! 😉

      If Kyle’s henchmen do come I’ll send them to the prostitiute that just moved in a few doors down! You just know things have the potential to get bad this year!

      • Pete Judge said

        No, I guessed I was ‘a bit fed up’ but I didn’t see myself hiding on your pic……
        I feel like a z-list celebrity now, maybe I should go on Come X-idol Dancing or something???
        Have a mighty fine day
        Pete

        • You’re hiding behind the “Pete Judge is behind this sign” sign! haha

          What about “I’m Pete Judge, Get me out of here!”? Could be based about you playing games in Manchester to win a pile of cash for life and the chance to move to the Cotswolds in a big house! That’s a game show you’d like eh? haha

          Have a good weekend, Mate! 🙂

  2. prenin said

    The scary fact is that they’d do it if they could get away with it…

    Thanks for the visit and the comment Phil!

    I agree about faeces book, but a bunch of my friends went on it and badgered me into joining so I could talk to them.

    These days I get a comment or message once a month on average, plus endless ‘Join Farmville like the rest of your friends’ messages, mass produced comments and gifts that I am supposed to reciprocate in return for my soul…

    Roland Rat For PM!!! LoL!!!

    Yeah it WAS a slow news day…

    I’m a bit TOO warm – I forgot to turn down the ‘stat when I went to bed and got cooked out of bed!!!

    Have a great day my friend!!!

    Prenin.

    • I know, they so would wouldn’t they? LOL!

      You know, that’s the reason I joined, my Family wanted me on there, so I gave it a go, now I’m stuck! 😛 I may still delete it, but everytime I mention it I’m asked not to go! And farmville! Urg! You know you can stop those requests? Not sure how now because I stopped it such a long time ago now.

      Roland Rat ineed! Get that Rat a cap and a seat in the House of Commons! He could replace Cameron as MP for Whitney, in Oxfordshire! LOL!

      You roasted yaself? Tisk tisk Ian! Baaaad idea. I turned the radiator off in my room. My rooms so damn small I create my own heat in the room! lol That’s 100% true too!

      You have a great day too, man! 🙂

  3. Fucking hilarious man, the dude in the back looks high.

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