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Tesco Takeover Complete

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on January 8, 2012

On the 10th of January 2012 Tesco, the global Supermarket and merchandise retailer, announced its takeover in the UK was complete and began a radicle reordering inside the Country and other countries around the world where it has a presence.

The change came last night as a bloodless coup’ replaced David Cameron and most of The Coalition with members of the Tesco Directorship. The Prime Minister is now David Reid and the Chancellor is Philip Clarke, both will still retain their titles in Tesco as the Government offices and Tesco offices will be merged. The Changes to Government are as follows:

Prime Minster = Prime Chairman (David Reid)

Mr. Reid Takes Questions Yesterday on Mono-Corporatocracy

Chancellor = Chief Executive Chancellor (Philip Clarke)

Mr. Clarke Shows What Happens To People Who Cross Tesco UK By Displaying the Shrunken Heads of Richard Branson and Alan Sugar

Deputy Prime Minster = Human Foot Stool (Still Nick Clegg)

Mr. Clegg Waits To Be Called In To The Prime Chairman’s Office

Secretary of Defence = Secretaries of Civil & National Security for Tesco  (Darth Vader & Zombie Churchill)

Vader and Churchill take time out from helping lady Thathcer For a Photo-Call. (Actually Churchill Was Eating The Labour Front Bench)

New Minster for Suppression of the North of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland =  ‘Magdros The Cyborg Baroness’ Lady Thatcher

Magdros and Her Dep. Lt John Major

Her Majesty’s Opposition will now be = The Ed Milli-Band, for entertainment purposes

From Left to Right: Ed Balls, Douglas Alexander, Harriet Harman and Ed Milliband

All other Government Departments will be either axed or added to the responsibilities of the above Executive Members.

In a Press Release the new Government had this to say:

“You may have noticed the changes taking place around you in the last few hours, these are normal, will continue and are all part of the process of changing over from a casual Corporatocracy to an open Mono-Corporatocracy. This means instead of large business and companies buying off Politicians for influence and then asking them to implement policy on their behalf, Corporations themselves take power completely and dispense with the Democratic parliamentary System of Government. Or as it says in our manifesto: Get rid of the middle men and their flawed ‘Democratic system’ because they impede business.

Yes, it is true Tesco is in charge of the country, (Now called ‘Tesco UK’) and how it is governed, but only one Corporation can run a Mono (Single) Corporatocracy. We will run this nation in the name of Corporations and for corporations. We’d like to reassure our fellow free marketeers at this point that we are still committed to the ideal of the ‘free market’, granted Tesco will have a monopoly of the market, but we don’t think this matters, as monopolies of markets have happened before and no one bothered. (Besides, the strong always rise to the top, why shouldn’t we be top Dog?) Through the unregulated competition (Unless it restricts Tesco’s edge) between Super Markets and other companies, we believe we can bring great savings to people, make their lives better and richer.

Because large parts of the populations in the North of England, Northern Ireland, The Irish Republic, Scotland and Wales will not be required as they’re either afflicted with being poor, Scouse,  living on welfare benefits, Old or Sick, we will be exterminating many of you. Not to worry though, you will be making a difference and contribute to society and our profits with you death, as you will be turned in to a bag of Tesco’s ‘No Thrills multipurpose Compost’. The rest of you will become ‘Customers’ and consume as you have done since the mid 1980s. If anyone attempts to weaken Tesco PLC by only buying from one of the ‘Big Four’ and many other smaller Super Markets we will execute you along with all your family members and sell you in our Tesco China stores as Dog Food.

Political dissenters will be taken to our re-education (Tesco Re-Ed [Not Affiliated with the Ed-Milliband]) facility in South Korea and turned in to Cyborg Drones for our Tesco UK Army, commanded by Lady Thatcher. This will serve as a warning to all Political types that if you step out of line you will become everything you ever despised and work for the most evil woman who ever lived.

Please, do not think the USA will come to your rescue as we control the Chinese Government, financial system and all its assets, that includes the USA’s debts, because of this the U.S. can not attack us. And so we have taken control of Three U.S. states, California, Nevada and Arizona, as these are where our Tesco stores are in the USA. The region is now called: The Tesco U.S. mega region. The Texas Triangle and the North East Mega Regions of the USA are also in talks to join us, these areas are run by Wal-Mart Corporation.

Europe, Russia, South America, India and parts of Africa have already agreed to become either a Customer State or Customer Mega Region, this means they will not be seeking to attack us, but to do business with us.

Parts of Asian and East Africa have become Slave States.

Tesco East Africa consists of: Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda and Malawi.

Tesco East Indies consists of: Indonesia.

Tesco South Asian consists of: Pakistan and Bangladesh.

Tesco Metro States (Where a State is controlled exclusively by Tesco because of a presence there and used as a Tesco Metro/Depot/Regional Center)  are: The Republic of Ireland, Poland, Czech Republic, a small region of Turkey, U.S. states of California, Nevada and Arizona. Thailand, Most of the Malay Peninsula, South Korea, Taiwan. There are also two provinces (Jiangsu & Shandong) and a municipality (Shanghai) of China.

Map Of Tesco Territories

The Paintron Saint of all the UK from a Monday to Friday is now Jack Cohen (Fonder of Tesco). From Saturday to Sunday it’s the Lurpack man.

The Capital of Tesco UK is now in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire, at Tesco HeadQuarters.

Gordon Brown and Tony Blair are now Trollie boys, they weren’t doing anything so we thought we’d put them to work.

Mr. Blair Yesterday After Being Promoted to Head Trolly Boy

Mr. Brown Yesterday Not Looking So Happy After Being Assigned To His Job Of Stolen Trolly Locating

People are now refered to as ‘Customers’ for example ‘Customer Smith’ or ‘Cmer. Smith.’

All government workers are now ‘Staff’.

Private Business within Tesco UK and it’s Tesco Protectorates will now be called ‘Outsource Staff’

Non-British workers are to be called ‘Slave’ followed by their corresponding number and country. For example, ‘Slave 354, Indo’.

Tesco UK’s Profits are now GDP

All Council property or any property being held for the Council or administrated under the former PFI schemes now belong to us and  Tesco no thrills brand of housing will be available soon.

All  energy firms now belong to Tesco as these are needed most during a changeover of the system of governing. Control will be returned to the original owners when they agree to remain part of and carry the Tesco brand. British Gas has already done this and raised its prices to accommodate Tesco UK’s share of the profits. Though we are obliged to say that: “British Gas denies prices rises had to do with the take over and blamed Whole Sale cost of Gas” as the cause.

All hail Prime Chairman David Reid!

End communication”

I’m not sure what Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have got to do with this but Gordy seems to have got the shitty end of the stick again. It was reported David Cameron was ushered from Number 10 shortly after the Coup for hospital treatment as he laughed himself silly upon hearing about Blair and Brown’s new jobs. However, he was later found dead with strangle marks to his neck. A ‘Gothic-looking’ type of lady was seen hanging around the area with another Gothic-looking type, this time a man with a shaved head. Tesco Security Officers were appealing for any more information that could help catch the culprits.

Some other Changes From Tesco:

British Airways is Now Tesco Airways

A Tesco Tank Awaiting Orders on Blackpool Beach

Solider With the Latest Tesco Gun

The Full Tesco Mono-Corporatocracy Poster

And Finally…

Police In Manchester Arrest Protester, Pete Judge, For Behaving In A “Threatening Way” Towards Police


14 Responses to “Tesco Takeover Complete”

  1. C’mon, SURELY the police need to explain what is a “threatening manner” ???

    I knew nothing about TESCO before I went to Thailand with my son early July. All I knew was it was “a big supermarket in town”. That was truly the first I heard of it. Very enlightening post.

    • Hi Noleen!

      The Police usually give warning before they arrest you for such a thing. I’ve only ever seen them using it on drunk people though when they wont go away from the Police or some Pub/club.

      I don’t know the full story behind the picture we’re talking about though, it was taken during the 2011 riots in England, in Manchester city centre I think. I just made a joke of it as my friend Pete Judge would be the sort of bloke to get dragged into such a situation and be arrested.

      Yeh, there’s no Tesco in Australia as far as I know, but they’re very donimant in the UK and some other places in the world, except for the U.S. where they’ve recently pulled out. So they’re not as powerul as they seemed to be. However, this still doesn’t take away the fact that Tesco is huge and is helping to destroy smaller business and rip off producers.

      This whole blog was done as a joke but with a serious message to it, Tesco is getting too powerful, granted not as a powerful as the U.S. superstores, but it’s not far behind.

      Hope your weekend is going good.

      – Phil

  2. harshglare said

    Tesco can and will be crushed at any time because even on a multi national level, there is still competition.

    I understand where you are coming from about power held by a few and Tesco, while powerful can’t hold a candle to America’s version, Wal-Mart.

    I still don’t know why people hate low prices…

    ..but maybe that is not the issue people have with Wal-Mart/Tesco/Mobil/GE… opps: did I say GE?

    nobody has a problem with GE: its image is so green and fuzzy: what’s not to like, right?

    GE is like horse meat: as long as you are ignorant, who cares?

  3. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples said

    Lol! Mr E.
    Some very astute points made…as usual. 🙂
    Tesco are a classic examples but I’m sure you can spot the rise of many multinationals springing up, attempting to squeeze all the businesses in their path.
    If a small business were to make the mistakes Tesco’s have they would be out of business…yet people continue to turn a blind eye.
    I would have hoped that the masses returned to their local butchers and fishmongers for their weekly/monthly shop but probably not.

    Enjoy those studies Pal…
    Have a good week.

    • ‘Sup, G-Man!

      I think I replied to you via e-mail on this because I’d forgotten my password at the time. But for the benefit of others who may want to know my opinion I’ll give a brief reply.

      Yeah, people turn a blind eye because they like things cheap, having said that Tesco is not so cheap in my area. We do the majority of our shopping elsewhere these days.

      Local shops can’t compete with Tesco and other supermarket companies because they can go lower for longer and independent shops can’t. On an unrelated note most of the independent shops in my area were gone before Tesco established itself because of compulsery purchase orders after WW2.

      Talk soon mate have a good one!

  4. jennygoth said

    best blog ive read in ages do you think cameron says that to his wife every saturday night EVERY LITTLE HELPS lol xxjen

    • You know what, Jen, I think he does, and his wife says: “It wasn’t funny and didn’t help the first 5000 times, David! It isn’t funny and wont help now, either!” lol!

      Glad you stopped by, Jen! Have a good weekend, now! :O) x

  5. Androgoth said

    This is too funny Phil, we have waited for a while but what a treat 🙂
    Those graphics that you have manipulated are awesome my friend

    Have a wicked Tuesday now Phil 🙂


    • Androooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Ellooooooooooooooo mah evil Goth friend! :O)

      Glad you enjoyed it, I thought it was a little too long so I added some pictures with captions to lure you all down! Oooh I am evils! lol

      As always thanks for dropping by and all the best for the weekend, Andro! :O)

  6. Hello,
    I wont pretend that i have read this in any great depth, that will come with a cup of tea and a clear head……but I have mixed feelings about Tesco. Sure they are taking over the world, dictating government policy and just about getting their claws into everything but ultimately they are fundamental for our economy, they keep people in work, suppliers in business and the country’s cash flow moving.

    Anyhoo, proper comment when I read it properly

    Take care mate


    • You’re not the only one, I’ve spoke to a few people who have mixed feelings about them! The suppliers are the ones who get fucked over so we get cheaper goods. Because Tesco becomes such a large buyer of small to medium sized suppliers they can dictate cost, and leave the suppliers out of pocket. That coupled with adding crap to their stuff such as rusk and water to raise price, as well normal price rises based on sod all, that’s how they make such huge profits!

      Comment when you want mate, as always, there’s no obligation. But do look at the end pic and the caption! lol

      Take care, bud! :O)

  7. prenin said

    Given that Middleton is known locally as ‘Tesco Town’ I can see it coming…

    God Bless!


    • I’d have to say the same about mine, they’re just started building a huge Tesco right next to the precint. We all know the precint will be out of business within 5 to 7 years! And the owners of the precint think they’re going to get ‘Big Names’ coming back by building them bigger ‘Units’. They seem to forget we already have bigger units, and when no one bought them or left they just get cut up in to smaller ones for the ‘Pound shops’ we have!

      I’m glad my Tesco piss take’s serious side has also been recieved well!

      Hope all is well with you, Sir Prenin! Have a good weekend! :O)

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