So I’m trying to do some weightlifting exercises again, even though the Doctors and specialists have advised me not to. I can’t keep sitting on my arse and doing nothing. A lack of inactivity sinks my mood quicker than a huge iceberg sinks a super liner that was poorly constructed with sub-standard steel (I know, I’m hilarious).
Now when I say ‘sinks my mood’ I mean I get horribly depressed, and I don’t like to admit that on here. I mean, I can quite happily mention and chat about shitting my guts out with Ulcerative Colitis but I don’t like mentioning depression. Quite odd for an individual who talks about anything and everything, isn’t it? I suppose because I think it’s a weak spot for me, but this isn’t the subject of the post.
What I want to get across is that the importance of physical activity to me is paramount! I need to do something physically demanding to keep my mood ‘stable’. Other things I do don’t come anywhere near to providing me with the feel-good endorphins I get from weights or jogging. I want you to understand why I choose to do something that leaves me in pain, discomfort and maybe even cripple me temporally (It’s happened before, of course I wasn’t literally crippled, just immobilize for days or even weeks).
Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you because I’m going to keep a diary for a few weeks (It may just be a few a days depending on how long I can last) of my progress and then post it, and it will contain pieces of me moaning and hurting myself while trying to be healthy physically and mentally. I have to do something or I will be worse off. I’m also documenting this so it gives me more reason to do it and keep up with it.
Mon 23rd Spe 2013: Day 1 – Chest & Tricep – 5 sets of 5 reps
Chest press – 45kg
dumbbell Flye – 10kg each
Dumbbell pull-over – 15kg
Overhead Dumbbell extention – 15kg
Close grip bench press – 10kg
Reverse close grip press – empty bar
I found this difficult, especially as I don’t have the right type of bench of for the dumbbell pull-over. I had to do the reverse close grip without weights. I wasn’t powerful enough to press in that position.
I had pain during the exercise but it was tolerable at the time. Once I’d finished and showered I had more pain and couldn’t get comfortable. Had to get out of bed and take some pain killers and hit the hay.
Woke up the following morning feeling surprisingly OK as I usually wake up with pain in my back, which can get worse towards the afternoon.
Tues 24th Sep 2013: Day 2 – Legs & Sholders – 5 sets of 5 reps
Barbell Sqauts –
50kg – 20kg
Dumbbell Lunge –
15kg – 10kg
Stiff leg deadlift – 40kg
Seated Barbell press –
Dumbbell front raise – 10kg each
Barbell shrug –
50kg – 40kg
It hurt more today than yesterday. I couldn’t do squats with more than 20kg safely without the right equipment. Didn’t have enough weight for the dumbbell lunges as they’re an old set and not like my olympic weight set. Stiff leg dead lift hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. I had to do the seated barbell press stood up as I couldn’t comfortably lift from the bench, which as always isn’t fit for that exercise. Barbell shrug was the worse! I don’t think I’ll be doing it again, it just causes more pain than usual, which means ‘stop!’.
Wed 25th of September -Day 3: Back & Bicep – 5 sets of 5 reps
Deadlift – 60kg 40kg
One arm row – 15kg
Reverse grip barbell row – 30kg
Barbell curl – 20kg
Dumbbell concentration curls – 10kg
Reverse grip barbell curls – 20kg
I woke up on day three felling stiff in the back area. Warmed up and tried to do some weights. After my first set of deadlifts I crippled myself. I’m now taking medication for it and I feel drunk. If I wasn’t feeling this way I’d be annoyed, frustrated, mad and depressed. Don’t think I’ll be doing anything for at least 4 to 5 days. Still some slight discomfort and difficult to walk.
It’s now November 2013 and my back is still weak and other attempts to get started again have failed. They failed because my back feels so weak, in pain and ready to go at any time, even when walking. I can only walk for half an hour before my back starts getting tight and I start staggering.
I went to see my Doctor last week and he gave me a run down of what the specialists said. It isn’t Sacroilitis, it’s ‘mechanical back pain’, that is nondescript back pain. There’s apparently something wrong with certain disks in my spine in the lower back area but they can’t really say what it is. They also can’t do much for me besides give me pain killers which I try not to take because they don’t kill the pain completely and they make me feel tired and drunk.
The only option I have left now is swimming and the Doctor and council will not help me, like they would’ve done before the government cuts (Because of lack of funds). So Now I have to find £25 a month for the liberty of going swimming for 2 hours a day 5 days a week. I’m going to try it for a month and see what happens, if it does work for me I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it as I have money issues as it is already. Let me tell you, living on benefits in the UK isn’t that great, so I don’t have much to live on (Regardless of what the Tories and their voters say).
I could go swimming in the local river, but I don’t much fancy picking up a flesh-eating disease. So I’m pretty pissed off, oh, and my Doctor had the nerve to say having a negative state of mind makes any pain I do get worse. So any pain I do get is magnified and said I should be more positive. To which I replied: “That’s bollocks” he said it wasn’t, I repeated again “It’s bollocks!”, he disagreed again and I said for the 3rd time, “That’s bollocks!” I said this because he was basically inferring my negative state of mind was making the pain seem worse.
I told him that I was in the best state of mind and body I’d been in for years prior to developing these current back issues and even when they were at the most painful I was still in a positive mindset and the pain was excruciating. The issue is I’ve been gradually getting less and less active and because of that I’ve been getting more and more depressed because I can’t exercise and raise my endorphin levels. There’s nothing else I can do that lifts my mood like exercise does, so I end up eating food I shouldn’t be eating.
You could argue I should go on a diet and not eat the stuff I eat, however this isn’t so easy as I can’t raise my mood so sticking to a diet is almost impossible because I have zero will-power (Because I don’t have exercise to help me keep my mood stable and so suppress my appetite). So going on a diet would make my mood sink more and I wouldn’t be able to keep to it. So yeh, self-control, I used to have it!
What’s the point of this post? I just wanted to whine because I have no other outlet.
And here’d Suede, just for the fun of it: