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Excuse me while I cripple myself for the good of my health

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on November 12, 2013

So I’m trying to do some weightlifting exercises again, even though the Doctors and specialists have advised me not to. I can’t keep sitting on my arse and doing nothing. A lack of inactivity sinks my mood quicker than a huge iceberg sinks a super liner that was poorly constructed with sub-standard steel (I know, I’m hilarious).

Now when I say ‘sinks my mood’ I mean I get horribly depressed, and I don’t like to admit that on here. I mean, I can quite happily mention and chat about shitting my guts out with Ulcerative Colitis but I don’t like mentioning depression. Quite odd for an individual who talks about anything and everything, isn’t it? I suppose because I think it’s a weak spot for me, but this isn’t the subject of the post.

What I want to get across is that the importance of physical activity to me is paramount! I need to do something physically demanding to keep my mood ‘stable’. Other things I do don’t come anywhere near to providing me with the feel-good endorphins I get from weights or jogging. I want you to understand why I choose to do something that leaves me in pain, discomfort and maybe even cripple me temporally (It’s happened before, of course I wasn’t literally crippled, just immobilize for days or even weeks).

Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you because I’m going to keep a diary for a few weeks (It may just be a few a days depending on how long I can last) of my progress and then post it, and it will contain pieces of me moaning and hurting myself while trying to be healthy physically and mentally. I have to do something or I will be worse off. I’m also documenting this so it gives me more reason to do it and keep up with it.

Mon 23rd Spe 2013: Day 1 – Chest & Tricep – 5 sets of 5 reps

Chest press – 45kg

dumbbell Flye – 10kg each

Dumbbell pull-over – 15kg

Overhead Dumbbell extention – 15kg

Close grip bench press – 10kg

Reverse close grip press – empty bar

I found this difficult, especially as I don’t have the right type of bench of for the dumbbell pull-over. I had to do the reverse close grip without weights. I wasn’t powerful enough to press in that position.

I had pain during the exercise but it was tolerable at the time. Once I’d finished and showered I had more pain and couldn’t get comfortable. Had to get out of bed and take some pain killers and hit the hay.

Woke up the following morning feeling surprisingly OK as I usually wake up with pain in my back, which can get worse towards the afternoon.

Tues 24th Sep 2013: Day 2 – Legs & Sholders – 5 sets of 5 reps

Barbell Sqauts – 50kg – 20kg

Dumbbell Lunge – 15kg – 10kg

Stiff leg deadlift – 40kg

Seated Barbell press – 30kg 20kg

Dumbbell front raise – 10kg each

Barbell shrug – 50kg – 40kg

It hurt more today than yesterday. I couldn’t do squats with more than 20kg safely without the right equipment. Didn’t have enough weight for the dumbbell lunges as they’re an old set and not like my olympic weight set. Stiff leg dead lift hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. I had to do the seated barbell press stood up as I couldn’t comfortably lift from the bench, which as always isn’t fit for that exercise. Barbell shrug was the worse! I don’t think I’ll be doing it again, it just causes more pain than usual, which means ‘stop!’.

Wed 25th of September -Day 3: Back & Bicep – 5 sets of 5 reps

Deadlift – 60kg 40kg

One arm row – 15kg

Reverse grip barbell row – 30kg

Barbell curl – 20kg

Dumbbell concentration curls – 10kg

Reverse grip barbell curls – 20kg

I woke up on day three felling stiff in the back area. Warmed up and tried to do some weights. After my first set of deadlifts I crippled myself. I’m now taking medication for it and I feel drunk. If I wasn’t feeling this way I’d be annoyed, frustrated, mad and depressed. Don’t think I’ll be doing anything for at least 4 to 5 days. Still some slight discomfort and difficult to walk.

It’s now November 2013 and my back is still weak and other attempts to get started again have failed. They failed because my back feels so weak, in pain and ready to go at any time, even when walking. I can only walk for half an hour before my back starts getting tight and I start staggering.

I went to see my Doctor last week and he gave me a run down of what the specialists said. It isn’t Sacroilitis, it’s ‘mechanical back pain’, that is nondescript back pain. There’s apparently something wrong with certain disks in my spine in the lower back area but they can’t really say what it is. They also can’t do much for me besides give me pain killers which I try not to take because they don’t kill the pain completely and they make me feel tired and drunk.

The only option I have left now is swimming and the Doctor and council will not help me, like they would’ve done before the government cuts (Because of lack of funds). So Now I have to find Β£25 a month for the liberty of going swimming for 2 hours a day 5 days a week. I’m going to try it for a month and see what happens, if it does work for me I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it as I have money issues as it is already. Let me tell you, living on benefits in the UK isn’t that great, so I don’t have much to live on (Regardless of what the Tories and their voters say).

I could go swimming in the local river, but I don’t much fancy picking up a flesh-eating disease. So I’m pretty pissed off, oh, and my Doctor had the nerve to say having a negative state of mind makes any pain I do get worse. So any pain I do get is magnified and said I should be more positive. To which I replied: “That’s bollocks” he said it wasn’t, I repeated again “It’s bollocks!”, he disagreed again and I said for the 3rd time, “That’s bollocks!” I said this because he was basically inferring my negative state of mind was making the pain seem worse.

I told him that I was in the best state of mind and body I’d been in for years prior to developing these current back issues and even when they were at the most painful I was still in a positive mindset and the pain was excruciating. The issue is I’ve been gradually getting less and less active and because of that I’ve been getting more and more depressed because I can’t exercise and raise my endorphin levels. There’s nothing else I can do that lifts my mood like exercise does, so I end up eating food I shouldn’t be eating.

You could argue I should go on a diet and not eat the stuff I eat, however this isn’t so easy as I can’t raise my mood so sticking to a diet is almost impossible because I have zero will-power (Because I don’t have exercise to help me keep my mood stable and so suppress my appetite). So going on a diet would make my mood sink more and I wouldn’t be able to keep to it. So yeh, self-control, I used to have it!

What’s the point of this post? I just wanted to whine because I have no other outlet.

And here’d Suede, just for the fun of it:


20 Responses to “Excuse me while I cripple myself for the good of my health”

  1. renxkyoko said

    Oh, my, gosh, my heart goes out to you, Phil ! ! And moneywise, now I feel guilty asking folks like you for donation to the storm victims. 0_0

    Also, I don’t know why I’m not getting updated . I’m supposed to be following you, but I’m not getting any email subscription from you… so I just click your avatar to check for any updates.

    • Um, Ren… tell me if Ive got the wrong end of the stick here, but you already read and commented this blog last week (Scroll down and have a look), I believe that’s why you didn’t get an update for it, it’s because you already had one.

      If you’re still having trouble getting updates from me when I post a new one I’ll leave a comment in your recent blog for you.

      Don’t worry about the donation, I’m on a diet anyway so it’s money I would’ve spent on excess or junk food I didn’t need! πŸ™‚

  2. prenin said

    Hi Phil! πŸ™‚

    Just collected your comment from the email! πŸ™‚

    Glad you are managing to get to the baths and back! πŸ™‚

    As long as it’s helping you I’m all for it, although I sympathise with the back problem – I did myself a mischief yesterday and now I have an annoying pain between my shoulder blades, but it’ll pass! πŸ™‚

    I prefer cool, sunny days so I’m not sweating like a roasted pig and not having to spend half the Government deficit to heat my home! πŸ™‚

    Each to their own however! πŸ™‚

    Sorry about the stiff neck – yes, they should get the window fixed!!! πŸ™‚

    RBH are newly converted and the request is already in, so I am waiting to see what happens next – apparently we’re due new bathrooms! πŸ™‚

    They are taking their own sweet time about it though… 😦

    Doctor Who is top of my ‘To Tape’ list and I bought 20, four hour tapes so I have plenty to hand! πŸ™‚

    The latest companion IS sexy and she can act too! πŸ™‚

    I used to hate the “Scream, Scream, Save Me Doctor!” women apart from Leela! πŸ™‚

    She’d face a monster, kill it with a Janus thorn and have it ready for eating by the time the Doctor got there!!! πŸ™‚

    The PC issues are down to the operating system (Windows 8.1) which is having a few settling in issues, but I have managed to keep it going so far and found work-arounds for the issues that have popped up so far.

    There are advantages to having once been a programmer! πŸ™‚

    Yep the sleeping patterns are still rotating: I had a lousy day’s sleep because the workmen are still doing stuff in the flat upstairs so I got up around 7pm instead of 9pm…

    The dreams have been fragmentary of late due to the noise upstairs and the bloody robot phone calls that keep disturbing my sleep, but I can always unplug the phone… πŸ™‚

    Yeah a stick neck would be far worse than a stiff one!!! πŸ™‚

    God Bless my friend! πŸ™‚


  3. That Cameron is a twat, oh I know that you knew that already but it has to be said, every day actually, I mean he struts around the globe offering his smart arsed theories on just about everything, usually on topics that he has no concept of understanding at the grass roots level, being a millionaire I mean, bloody hell he is a joke alongside his sidekick Georgey, another well off, I mean another jerkoff 😦

    Yes I can imagine your difficulties trying on a daily basis, trying to make ends meet with such a climate, and it gets worse, I think all politicians have the symptoms of dog shit, oh amnesia I mean. Either way they are not living in the same world as a lot of their voters, which is a cruel twist on life, indeed they get richer while everyone else gets poorer. Let the eat cake springs to mind here, but hey we don’t need to say anything else, unless you know better of course?

    Now on to your weight lifting regime, you have started well but pushed the boat out too far and too soon, now you are suffering on two fronts, one you are unable to continue your quest and on the other, in a lot of back pain with a GP on your ass, but what do they know? Willpower will work up to a point but a few nympho helpers with large orbs and a wicked shimmy in the butt region will offer you a whole lot more in the way of exercise, and as the ins and outs of being wicked kick in your positivity will heighten overnight, as will your odes, I mean oats, which are good for you.

    Anyway with your back in so much pain already what can go wrong,
    so grabbing a few nympho’s this weekend could be interesting so there πŸ˜‰


    • Grrrrr… LET THEM EAT CAKE
      is what I meant, this is with using
      an Anglo-Ruskie keyboard I think? 😦

      Have some chocolate buns later…


      • Hiya Andro! πŸ™‚

        I’m supposed to be on a diet, Andro, you’re not helping with your suggestions of cake and chocolate buns! lol

        I agree with you, Cameron has no clue what it’s like to live like a normal person, he’s NEVER wanted for anything. Everything for him was paid for, from school to his first job! And he, and others like him, talk of the working class having a sense of entitlement when it comes to the welfare system. The difference between our welfare system and his (His parents) is that our connections is litteraly the job centre accociated Connections centre!

        Just walking can fuck my back up Andro, weights, even light ones, can cause back issues. It’s the way I have to put the plates on the bar and then lift from the floor, which isn’t good. In the Gym the weights are on racks or you can use the machines which are connected via wires, so it’s easier and doesn’t hurt my back as much.

        Grabbing one of the nympho’s from my local area wouldn’t be a good idea because I’d probablly be grabbing a few STDs too and a flesh eating disease like the one I mentioned in the blog! lol. So nah, I’ll let the scally Oompa loopas stay shagging the local dickheads. And what coould go wrong? I could collapse on top of her, which would then kill her! lol

        Thanks for you visit and kind words Andro. Hope you and Jenny have a good weekend, all the best! πŸ™‚

        – Phil

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes said

    Hey Phil. My gosh, so much going on. You did enormous work with the weights, and then all that pain. I KNOW being physical lifts your mood, I so know…
    feel deeply sorry re back pain because I experienced it when pregnant – lower back (only) – and whenever someone mentions back pain I immediately remember how essential to your balance and general wellbeing it is, how it felt, that ache, ache, ache. I am so sorry.

    It feels wrong you have to come up with that money for swimming, & 2 hours a DAY? Seriously? I don’t even reckon I could do that.

    Phil, I’m really feeling for you right now. You’re such a fighter, not laying back in it all. Good on you for that, but I just so much wish & hope it will improve.


    • Hiya Noeleen! πŸ™‚

      My back pain is in the lower back too (Though it’s mostly an ache at the moment), but when it gets bad it radiates out and then through my pelvis, through my groin and then down my legs to my knees and to my feet. Some times I get pins and needles in my feet, and apparently this isn’t anything to worry about, it’s part and parcel of back pain. One doctor even told me to take pain killers then carry on exercising as it’s “…not a ‘Dangerous’ pain” I’m still not sure what he meant by that.

      I’m not sure I can do 2 hours a day at the moment, but I used to, so I’m going to try and build up to that. I don’t think I will have the stamina straight away so it’s going to be gradual. I’m starting propely on Monday, I’m going to work out a routine for exercise and for my sleeping pattern, it’s gone a little ‘wonkey’ recently.

      Thanks for your thoughts and kind words, Noeleen! I should be OK though! :O)

      Have a good weekend! πŸ™‚

      – Phil

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes said

        Crazy doctor. Do you have one regular doctor, or have you tried a couple? I suppose you’ve tried a couple.

        Oh, that pain – that radiation: it would be so consuming, I imagine. You’re so positive and proactive Phil, it’s just wonderful. Awesome.

        Yes! Have a good weekend πŸ™‚

  5. hrhdaf said

    Hey hey Phil!
    Well I hope today doesn’t find you in too much pain. Have you started the swimming yet? And if you have how’s it going?
    I just totally scared the crap out of myself cos I went to put the Suede song on and I had my speakers at just about max volume. OOOOOOOh me nerves πŸ˜‰
    Tried to catch you on messenger a couple of times but you aint about amigo! Hope to catch you sooooooon!
    Luv and hugskis (I just nearly typed huskies accidentally… Really need to slow down with my typing a bit dammit!)
    Daf xxx

    • Hiya Dafskiiiiiiiiiiiii! :O)

      No, not too bad today, thanks mate. I joined the gym yesterday for a month, to see how it goes. I managed to do some weights there that didn’t impact my bak much because I didn’t have to pick up the bar. It’s in a fixed position and slides up and down, so it’s easy.

      I haven’t been swimming yet, I was supposed to go today early, but I had a headache and rapid heartbeat untill 5am in the morning! And I need to go early because the students get preference, as it is a Uni gym, so I need to get in before 10 or 11am. I was going to go swimming yesterday but one half of the pool was set aside for learners and the other side was full with students dicking around on the far side not swimming (I don’t think they can swim either).

      It’s a good job I didn’t post Pantera’s ‘Broken’, that’s what I was listening to prior to posting the blog! lol Only posted it on Suede because that’s what I was listening to when I posted. lol You would’ve been deaf right now if I had! lol

      I have been on and off messenger but you and no-one else has been around, so I didn’t bother, especially as you were absent on here, I assumed you were busy with other stuff. I wasn’t on yesterday, even though I was up untill 5am, because I had a banging headache and the glare of the monitor would’ve only made it worse. Sorry about that, mate! 😦

      Hugskis and huskies are a good thing! Both are cuddley! πŸ˜€ So, much love, hugskis and huskies comeing at cha mate and talk soon! :O)

      – Phil xxxxx

      • hrhdaf said

        Hey Hey Phil!
        Pantera you say? Oddly I did not imagine you being a fan of the metal. I saw you as more of an Erasure, Elton John, Bronski Beat kinda person (I am sniggering so much at the implication of that).
        Hope you’ve been sleeping better and managed to get to the gym a few times! How’s swimming effecting your back? I was gonna say better worse or the same but I thought you may not be able to tell if I was enquiring after your health or giving you an eye test πŸ˜‰
        Reet buggering off. Catch you soon!
        Love and huskie hugs! Daf xxx

  6. renxkyoko said

    Oh, my goodness, Phil.. I didn’t know you were hurting ! Well, you said something about being disabled… but I didn’t know about the pain. T_T Be well, and take care . Take it easy.

    • Hiya Ren! :O)

      To look at me, Ren you wouldn’t think I was sick or that I had health issues. I’m not sure if I’m classed as ‘disabled’, not yet anyway, but I do have some health issues that can and have been dibilitating.

      “Take it easy.” I can’t mate, that’s making me feel worse, but at the same time if I do something that can make the pain worse. So I’m stuck, really. However, today I joined the gym and did a workout, though I’ll mostly be going for swimming, 2 hours a day 5 days a week. At least that way I don’t have to put pressure on my back in any way, well… that’s the plan!

      What do you do to exercise and keep fit, Ren? I saw your pictures a while back and you’re very svelte! Do you find it hard to keep to diets?

      Thanks for your kind words, Ren! :O)

      – Phil

      • renxkyoko said

        What I do not to gain weight ? Ugh. Don’t get me started.

        I can only do the treadmill. And I use a small plate, salad plate, that is, and just look and drool and daydream about food. I gain weight so easily. It’s the battle of the bulge everyday. Ut’s a sad life. T_T

        • Go on… give it a go! A rant’s good for you now and again! πŸ˜‰

          I used to love doing the treadmill, an hour day for 4 to 5 days a week for over an hour. Then I developed back issues again, so I had to stop,

          I know your pain! I hate diets, one of my answers to that (Besides eating little and often) was to exercise more so I could eat more! Doesn’t work when you can’t be as active as a normal person, though. So my diet the last few months has been the ‘seefood’ diet! πŸ˜‰ At least you have more will power than me because I lost the battle of the bulge to apple turnovers with creame! Though now I’m swimming I should be able to control my cravings again… I hope!

          It’s nice to know I’m not battling the bulge by myself! πŸ™‚

          – Phil

  7. prenin said

    Sounds like you need to use lighter weights and work for longer, but I’m no expert! 😦

    I feel so helpless knowing you are hurting and I’m unable to do anything to help – your doctor sounds like an idiot! 😦

    Go easy my friend and please take more care! πŸ™‚

    God Bless!


    • Hey prenin!

      It doesn’t matter what weights they are, heavy or light, my back still goes with increased actvity. Just walking messes me up! Swimming is my last option, if this doesn’t pan out I’m going to be fucked! I don’t know what I’ll do. I do know I don’t want to live beyond the age of 45 because my quality of life will be greatly reduced!

      Don’t worry though, Prenin, thanks for your concern.

      My Doctor’s not too bad, it’s just he’s changed in the last few months. It must be the increased work load they’ve put on him since April.

      Have a good evening, Prenin! :O)

      – Phil

  8. penelopephoebe said

    The weights regime sounds dodgy, Phil. If it were me, I would try to keep up with the swimming. I know the cost makes it difficult but the results may make it worth while.

    • Hey Pen!

      My back’s just dodgy, full stop! I’ve never been able to keep the weights going for very long, last year was the logest I’ve done them for and this year they’ve been sporadic and painfull. I wouldn’t mind if the pain was there and not too bad and I didn’t cripple myself, I could deal with that pain, but it incapacitates me.

      I haven’t even started swimming yet, Pen. I’m hoping to start this week and see how it goes for a month. However, currently I will not have the funds to do it long term, even if the results are good. The cost of living’s gone up and I’m being robbed of Β£50 quid a month for my extra bedroom.

      Thanks for your thoughts, Pen. :O)

      – Phil x

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