On the 10th of January 2012 Tesco, the global Supermarket and merchandise retailer, announced its takeover in the UK was complete and began a radicle reordering inside the Country and other countries around the world where it has a presence.
The change came last night as a bloodless coup’ replaced David Cameron and most of The Coalition with members of the Tesco Directorship. The Prime Minister is now David Reid and the Chancellor is Philip Clarke, both will still retain their titles in Tesco as the Government offices and Tesco offices will be merged. The Changes to Government are as follows:
Prime Minster = Prime Chairman (David Reid)
Chancellor = Chief Executive Chancellor (Philip Clarke)
Deputy Prime Minster = Human Foot Stool (Still Nick Clegg)
Secretary of Defence = Secretaries of Civil & National Security for Tesco (Darth Vader & Zombie Churchill)
New Minster for Suppression of the North of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland = ‘Magdros The Cyborg Baroness’ Lady Thatcher
Her Majesty’s Opposition will now be = The Ed Milli-Band, for entertainment purposes
All other Government Departments will be either axed or added to the responsibilities of the above Executive Members.
In a Press Release the new Government had this to say:
“You may have noticed the changes taking place around you in the last few hours, these are normal, will continue and are all part of the process of changing over from a casual Corporatocracy to an open Mono-Corporatocracy. This means instead of large business and companies buying off Politicians for influence and then asking them to implement policy on their behalf, Corporations themselves take power completely and dispense with the Democratic parliamentary System of Government. Or as it says in our manifesto: Get rid of the middle men and their flawed ‘Democratic system’ because they impede business.
Yes, it is true Tesco is in charge of the country, (Now called ‘Tesco UK’) and how it is governed, but only one Corporation can run a Mono (Single) Corporatocracy. We will run this nation in the name of Corporations and for corporations. We’d like to reassure our fellow free marketeers at this point that we are still committed to the ideal of the ‘free market’, granted Tesco will have a monopoly of the market, but we don’t think this matters, as monopolies of markets have happened before and no one bothered. (Besides, the strong always rise to the top, why shouldn’t we be top Dog?) Through the unregulated competition (Unless it restricts Tesco’s edge) between Super Markets and other companies, we believe we can bring great savings to people, make their lives better and richer.
Because large parts of the populations in the North of England, Northern Ireland, The Irish Republic, Scotland and Wales will not be required as they’re either afflicted with being poor, Scouse, living on welfare benefits, Old or Sick, we will be exterminating many of you. Not to worry though, you will be making a difference and contribute to society and our profits with you death, as you will be turned in to a bag of Tesco’s ‘No Thrills multipurpose Compost’. The rest of you will become ‘Customers’ and consume as you have done since the mid 1980s. If anyone attempts to weaken Tesco PLC by only buying from one of the ‘Big Four’ and many other smaller Super Markets we will execute you along with all your family members and sell you in our Tesco China stores as Dog Food.
Political dissenters will be taken to our re-education (Tesco Re-Ed [Not Affiliated with the Ed-Milliband]) facility in South Korea and turned in to Cyborg Drones for our Tesco UK Army, commanded by Lady Thatcher. This will serve as a warning to all Political types that if you step out of line you will become everything you ever despised and work for the most evil woman who ever lived.
Please, do not think the USA will come to your rescue as we control the Chinese Government, financial system and all its assets, that includes the USA’s debts, because of this the U.S. can not attack us. And so we have taken control of Three U.S. states, California, Nevada and Arizona, as these are where our Tesco stores are in the USA. The region is now called: The Tesco U.S. mega region. The Texas Triangle and the North East Mega Regions of the USA are also in talks to join us, these areas are run by Wal-Mart Corporation.
Europe, Russia, South America, India and parts of Africa have already agreed to become either a Customer State or Customer Mega Region, this means they will not be seeking to attack us, but to do business with us.
Parts of Asian and East Africa have become Slave States.
Tesco East Africa consists of: Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda and Malawi.
Tesco East Indies consists of: Indonesia.
Tesco South Asian consists of: Pakistan and Bangladesh.
Tesco Metro States (Where a State is controlled exclusively by Tesco because of a presence there and used as a Tesco Metro/Depot/Regional Center) are: The Republic of Ireland, Poland, Czech Republic, a small region of Turkey, U.S. states of California, Nevada and Arizona. Thailand, Most of the Malay Peninsula, South Korea, Taiwan. There are also two provinces (Jiangsu & Shandong) and a municipality (Shanghai) of China.
The Paintron Saint of all the UK from a Monday to Friday is now Jack Cohen (Fonder of Tesco). From Saturday to Sunday it’s the Lurpack man.
The Capital of Tesco UK is now in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire, at Tesco HeadQuarters.
Gordon Brown and Tony Blair are now Trollie boys, they weren’t doing anything so we thought we’d put them to work.
People are now refered to as ‘Customers’ for example ‘Customer Smith’ or ‘Cmer. Smith.’
All government workers are now ‘Staff’.
Private Business within Tesco UK and it’s Tesco Protectorates will now be called ‘Outsource Staff’
Non-British workers are to be called ‘Slave’ followed by their corresponding number and country. For example, ‘Slave 354, Indo’.
Tesco UK’s Profits are now GDP
All Council property or any property being held for the Council or administrated under the former PFI schemes now belong to us and Tesco no thrills brand of housing will be available soon.
All energy firms now belong to Tesco as these are needed most during a changeover of the system of governing. Control will be returned to the original owners when they agree to remain part of and carry the Tesco brand. British Gas has already done this and raised its prices to accommodate Tesco UK’s share of the profits. Though we are obliged to say that: “British Gas denies prices rises had to do with the take over and blamed Whole Sale cost of Gas” as the cause.
All hail Prime Chairman David Reid!
I’m not sure what Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have got to do with this but Gordy seems to have got the shitty end of the stick again. It was reported David Cameron was ushered from Number 10 shortly after the Coup for hospital treatment as he laughed himself silly upon hearing about Blair and Brown’s new jobs. However, he was later found dead with strangle marks to his neck. A ‘Gothic-looking’ type of lady was seen hanging around the area with another Gothic-looking type, this time a man with a shaved head. Tesco Security Officers were appealing for any more information that could help catch the culprits.
Some other Changes From Tesco: