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Posts Tagged ‘Hazel Blears’

Coalition Government Deprives Salford and Manchester Of £2bn Investement!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on January 26, 2011

Today the Coalition Government shelved plans to invest £2 billion pounds in to Salford and Manchester, citing lack of funds and the fact it was a Labour plan they just couldn’t deliver on. Minster of State for Housing and Local government, Grant Shapps, said: “This plan just isn’t feasible, in fact it couldn’t have been carried out under the previous Government, unless they borrowed more money, which was out of the question then, and certainly out of the question now.” 

Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, Eric Pickles, also said: “With the huge deficit we were left with, we just can’t afford these schemes anymore, these are hard times, and hard times call for hard decisions, which is one we have to take now. We are truly sorry for the people in those North West cities that suffer with the problems they do, but at the moment we just can’t help.”

Hazel Blears, leader of the Labour North West Group, said Salford and Manchester were: ” Paying the price for the coalition’s cruel cuts.” Miss Blears added: “It usually happens this way, first comes a Tory Government, then comes Tory cuts, then comes Salford and Manchester suffering under those cuts, while Councils and Cities of the South will see their budgets rise. It’s disgraceful!”

There has been fierce debate in recent weeks as to why the plans and funding have really be stopped. Some people have pointed to ITV TV Presenter Jeremy Kyle. Mr. Kyle, who is the presenter of the Jeremy Kyle show, the UK’s answer to Jerry Springer. Kyle’s show, which is filmed at the Manchester based Granada Studios, draws 75% of it’s on stage guests, 100% of it’s in house audience and 60% of the TV audience from Salford and Manchester.

Mr. Kyle said: “To say that my campaign, my small campaign, is completely responsible for the stopping of investment in to Salford and Manchester is absurd! I would like to think  it was souly responsible, but it just isn’t true.” When asked about his campaign to stop investment in to Salford and Manchester he had this to say: “Well, where will I be, where will my crew be, where will ITV be if Salford and Manchester are ‘depopulated’ as the MOD put it? I’d be out of a job, my crew would be.”

Ms. Blears said said Jermey Kyle and people like him, we’re being “selfish” and obstructing the regeneration of Salford and Manchester, purely for their own monetary benefit. She said: “Not letting the MOD proceed with the carpet bombing of Salford and Manchester (Operation: Kill The Lot) was outright wrong and denying the Cities a new Birth.” She continued: “Jeremy Kyle has the ear of the PM and deputy PM as they’re both big fans of his show, there’s also the fact the Tory party can’t bring itself to wreck a good private business like ITV. I ask you, what is better? A new Salford and Manchester or shareholders of ITV? I think you know which matters most

When asked about her insistence and urgency for Manchester and Salford to be wiped off the map she balked: “I assume you’re referring to that story in the Daily Mail? The one where I apparently want the area bombed quickly so I get my 12 thousand acres of virgin land? It’s all rubbish, I’m here for a new birth of Salford, and anyway, it was 12 hundred, not 12 thousand. And, why shouldn’t I have some? When the people from Oxford and the other Home counties are brought up to resettle the area I think it’s right there be someone local to ease them in to their transition here.”

The MOD said it was ready and willing when Westminster gave it the green light to lay waste to the “Scruffy little fuckers”. Untill then it’s Jets were ready and waiting.

The Population of Salford and Manchester were still not bothered about the proposed plans a full two years after they were announced. They seem completely oblivious to the huge 50 foot wall being built around the two cities by gleeful Liverpudlians and Anti-MUFC fans from all around the country. One Liverpudlian said: “”bout time they were wiped out init, la? We’ve had 50 odd years of bad jokes, Manchester United, Scallies and shit music, I’m glad the Government’s doin’ somert about it! Once the Liberal Democrats and Labour force a vote on the issue in Parliament the bombs will fall, and this wall will stop any of them escaping!” Loud cheers were heard all around the area of wall we were interviewing at.

The residents with any brains have long since left the two cities and settled elsewhere. It’s believed there’s only the lazy, stupid, Scallies, Chavs, Scrotes and non english speaking immigrants who don’t understand what’s going on. However, one fed up resident said he had a bit of bad luck and was stuck in Manchester because he couldn’t sell his house. The man, who only gave his name as “A bit fed up” said: “I’ve invested a lot of money in this house, and I’m not prepared to lose it! I tried to sell it but who of the people left in the City would buy a house? They’re all idiots!” Curiously 91% of the population still remains, which shows just what everyone was thinking all this time, that Salford and Manchester is full of idiots and wankers devoid of any sense. Except ‘A bit fed up’, who’s a bit unfortunate.

We just got word, the vote is in, there’s a resounding Yes vote in Parliament. Bombing begins in 10 minutes!


                                                  Protest outside Granada Studios, Manchester, lead by Jeremy Kyle.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Wankers of The Week:

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on January 24, 2010

First and foremost, the tossers at Cadbury for allowing an iconic British brand worth billions, to be sold it to a company known for making crap processed cheese! Instead of thinking about UK jobs and UK GDP they only thought of their own bank accounts. Not only that we’re going to have to put up with shit U.S. chocolate now! Well done, you’re a credit to Wankers everwhere!The Government of the UK! Purely for allowing companies like Kraft to buy up firms like Cadbury and shooting ourself in the foot economically. It’s not as if they were powerless to stop the takeover, they lent them the money via Royal Bank of Scotland (Majority owned by the tax payer)! You really are a useless lot of bastards! Then again what else should I expect when the electorate are a useless lot of bastards too?

The UK electorate. A useless lot of bastards. 

David Cameron. The chinless wonder of the Tory party in the UK! I’m sick of seeing his mug on the TV trying to act all ‘common man/average Joe’ when he’s anything but! He’s a fucking dirty, stinking liar, born, raised and educated Oxford boy. He aint Mr. Average nor is he a common man! He’s a wanker, plain and simple! Just stop acting like you are average, you’re not. You aint got any serious policies, you just need to fuck off and stop hanging around Parliament like a fly on shit! The only chance you have of winning the election is outa of apathy, and you damn well know it! You opportunist twat! You and your party are so shite that Gordon Brown’s Labour are catching up to you in the popularity polls after numerous serious set-backs for them! scandal, expenses, leadership challenges and to top it all old Gordy’s a boring twat! And you still can’t pull out a victory! Sad donkey!

Hazel Blears. My local Member of Parliament. Stop hanging around like a lingering fart and fuck off! You’re bent and no one likes you anymore, well… anyone with no serious mental disorders.

Osama Bin Laden. Aint you dead yet? Hurry up and die, I’m waiting for this Political Islam bollocks to run its course like Communism did! It can’t start untill you snuff it, so hurry up!

Womens’ chat shows. Why????? Are all women this boring when they get together without the aid of alcohol?

People who make Adobe Flash tutorials. There’s always something you miss out, you over look it completely then expect me to follow it? And you got the balls to call it “easy step by step”? Kiss me whip!

Haiti. Is everyone else sick of it this now? How many other people are in-need of help?, some in our own nations. Yet the media only focuses on these people because it’s new! “Huge Earthquake, 100’000 dead? I smell an emmy!”.

British Papers. You really a load of talentless Knobheads! There is other more important news in the world other than celebs and pointless models who’s only contribution to man kind will be the amount of stupid people not born because the thick men were too busy beating one out over them! Page 3 of The Sunday Mirror featured a footballers wife and the different shoes she’s been wearing!

That’s enough now, I could go on but I’ll be here all night! Sorry, no pictures this week, I couldn’t be arsed! 😛

Posted in Wanker of the week | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Hazel Blears = Monkey Spanker!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on March 8, 2007

         Yes you are all right I haven’t done a wanker of the week for quite some time.
         And that’s not because there’s been a shortage of wankers, quite the opposite.
         There has been some tremendous wankers as of late, from our beloved Führer
         and all round nice guy and everybody’s best mate Tony Blair to that all round
         greedy bastard Rupert Murdoch and numerous other media junkies and tits.
         Which brings me to the latest wanker, I was going to do this lady some time 
         ago as she has personally shit on my family and lied to their faces. And also
         on many other working class people in Salford especially mothers in the area.
         The reason why Hazel Blears is on my wanker of the week list is her many and
         recent contradictions she has made. The most recent as many Salfordians will
         know is her recent support to Not move the Hope Hospital maternity services
         from their present location at Hope. Now for all the people who don’t live in
         Salford will not realize is that she backed and still does back the Government’s
         wider reforms of the NHS. So in essence she is protesting against the reforms
         she backs and helped draw up. Yes the shortarse hells angel wannabe took
         part in the protesting of the Governments 60 ‘reconfigurations’ across England
         and Wales. Can you believe this women, it’s like Hitler saying he didn’t support
         invading Poland, even though he made the decision to invade.
         Blears said in her defence “I’m not campaigning against Government policy, it’s
         a local decision made be the Primary Care Trust and Strategic Health Authority
         and what I’m doing is trying to make sure that the local decision provides the
         best services for Salford people.”  Then why did she back the policy that lead
         to this happening? Mmmmmm I wonder if it had anything to do with her career
         prospects? Who gives the power to the PCT & SHA? that’s right the people our
         Hazel works for! So the policy she made the decision to back is still to blame,
         so who the fuck does she think she’s kidding?
         And now the increasingly embarrassing minister and chair of the Labour party
         is now gunning for fat shit by Royal appointment john Prescott’s job as deputy
         PM. Well she better start eating now to fill his fuckin’ shoes and get herself a
         bit on the side (watch out Jack Straw!). So two things she has to do then, eat
         and get her leg over with anyone that’s not her partner and the deputy PM
         entails little else as you only work when the PM’s not there, so why the deputy
         PM get’s paid all year is a mystery to me.
         For these reasons and more Hazel Blears is this weeks wanker of the week!
         P.S I didn’t include a picture as i didn’t want to subject you all to the horror
         of her annoying face and her in her leather biker gear trying to be tragically
         trendy. Till next time.

Posted in News and politics, Wanker of the week | Tagged: , , , , , , | 40 Comments »