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Posts Tagged ‘Tony Blair’

Tesco Takeover Complete

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on January 8, 2012

On the 10th of January 2012 Tesco, the global Supermarket and merchandise retailer, announced its takeover in the UK was complete and began a radicle reordering inside the Country and other countries around the world where it has a presence.

The change came last night as a bloodless coup’ replaced David Cameron and most of The Coalition with members of the Tesco Directorship. The Prime Minister is now David Reid and the Chancellor is Philip Clarke, both will still retain their titles in Tesco as the Government offices and Tesco offices will be merged. The Changes to Government are as follows:

Prime Minster = Prime Chairman (David Reid)

Mr. Reid Takes Questions Yesterday on Mono-Corporatocracy

Chancellor = Chief Executive Chancellor (Philip Clarke)

Mr. Clarke Shows What Happens To People Who Cross Tesco UK By Displaying the Shrunken Heads of Richard Branson and Alan Sugar

Deputy Prime Minster = Human Foot Stool (Still Nick Clegg)

Mr. Clegg Waits To Be Called In To The Prime Chairman’s Office

Secretary of Defence = Secretaries of Civil & National Security for Tesco  (Darth Vader & Zombie Churchill)

Vader and Churchill take time out from helping lady Thathcer For a Photo-Call. (Actually Churchill Was Eating The Labour Front Bench)

New Minster for Suppression of the North of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland =  ‘Magdros The Cyborg Baroness’ Lady Thatcher

Magdros and Her Dep. Lt John Major

Her Majesty’s Opposition will now be = The Ed Milli-Band, for entertainment purposes

From Left to Right: Ed Balls, Douglas Alexander, Harriet Harman and Ed Milliband

All other Government Departments will be either axed or added to the responsibilities of the above Executive Members.

In a Press Release the new Government had this to say:

“You may have noticed the changes taking place around you in the last few hours, these are normal, will continue and are all part of the process of changing over from a casual Corporatocracy to an open Mono-Corporatocracy. This means instead of large business and companies buying off Politicians for influence and then asking them to implement policy on their behalf, Corporations themselves take power completely and dispense with the Democratic parliamentary System of Government. Or as it says in our manifesto: Get rid of the middle men and their flawed ‘Democratic system’ because they impede business.

Yes, it is true Tesco is in charge of the country, (Now called ‘Tesco UK’) and how it is governed, but only one Corporation can run a Mono (Single) Corporatocracy. We will run this nation in the name of Corporations and for corporations. We’d like to reassure our fellow free marketeers at this point that we are still committed to the ideal of the ‘free market’, granted Tesco will have a monopoly of the market, but we don’t think this matters, as monopolies of markets have happened before and no one bothered. (Besides, the strong always rise to the top, why shouldn’t we be top Dog?) Through the unregulated competition (Unless it restricts Tesco’s edge) between Super Markets and other companies, we believe we can bring great savings to people, make their lives better and richer.

Because large parts of the populations in the North of England, Northern Ireland, The Irish Republic, Scotland and Wales will not be required as they’re either afflicted with being poor, Scouse,  living on welfare benefits, Old or Sick, we will be exterminating many of you. Not to worry though, you will be making a difference and contribute to society and our profits with you death, as you will be turned in to a bag of Tesco’s ‘No Thrills multipurpose Compost’. The rest of you will become ‘Customers’ and consume as you have done since the mid 1980s. If anyone attempts to weaken Tesco PLC by only buying from one of the ‘Big Four’ and many other smaller Super Markets we will execute you along with all your family members and sell you in our Tesco China stores as Dog Food.

Political dissenters will be taken to our re-education (Tesco Re-Ed [Not Affiliated with the Ed-Milliband]) facility in South Korea and turned in to Cyborg Drones for our Tesco UK Army, commanded by Lady Thatcher. This will serve as a warning to all Political types that if you step out of line you will become everything you ever despised and work for the most evil woman who ever lived.

Please, do not think the USA will come to your rescue as we control the Chinese Government, financial system and all its assets, that includes the USA’s debts, because of this the U.S. can not attack us. And so we have taken control of Three U.S. states, California, Nevada and Arizona, as these are where our Tesco stores are in the USA. The region is now called: The Tesco U.S. mega region. The Texas Triangle and the North East Mega Regions of the USA are also in talks to join us, these areas are run by Wal-Mart Corporation.

Europe, Russia, South America, India and parts of Africa have already agreed to become either a Customer State or Customer Mega Region, this means they will not be seeking to attack us, but to do business with us.

Parts of Asian and East Africa have become Slave States.

Tesco East Africa consists of: Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda and Malawi.

Tesco East Indies consists of: Indonesia.

Tesco South Asian consists of: Pakistan and Bangladesh.

Tesco Metro States (Where a State is controlled exclusively by Tesco because of a presence there and used as a Tesco Metro/Depot/Regional Center)  are: The Republic of Ireland, Poland, Czech Republic, a small region of Turkey, U.S. states of California, Nevada and Arizona. Thailand, Most of the Malay Peninsula, South Korea, Taiwan. There are also two provinces (Jiangsu & Shandong) and a municipality (Shanghai) of China.

Map Of Tesco Territories

The Paintron Saint of all the UK from a Monday to Friday is now Jack Cohen (Fonder of Tesco). From Saturday to Sunday it’s the Lurpack man.

The Capital of Tesco UK is now in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire, at Tesco HeadQuarters.

Gordon Brown and Tony Blair are now Trollie boys, they weren’t doing anything so we thought we’d put them to work.

Mr. Blair Yesterday After Being Promoted to Head Trolly Boy

Mr. Brown Yesterday Not Looking So Happy After Being Assigned To His Job Of Stolen Trolly Locating

People are now refered to as ‘Customers’ for example ‘Customer Smith’ or ‘Cmer. Smith.’

All government workers are now ‘Staff’.

Private Business within Tesco UK and it’s Tesco Protectorates will now be called ‘Outsource Staff’

Non-British workers are to be called ‘Slave’ followed by their corresponding number and country. For example, ‘Slave 354, Indo’.

Tesco UK’s Profits are now GDP

All Council property or any property being held for the Council or administrated under the former PFI schemes now belong to us and  Tesco no thrills brand of housing will be available soon.

All  energy firms now belong to Tesco as these are needed most during a changeover of the system of governing. Control will be returned to the original owners when they agree to remain part of and carry the Tesco brand. British Gas has already done this and raised its prices to accommodate Tesco UK’s share of the profits. Though we are obliged to say that: “British Gas denies prices rises had to do with the take over and blamed Whole Sale cost of Gas” as the cause.

All hail Prime Chairman David Reid!

End communication”

I’m not sure what Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have got to do with this but Gordy seems to have got the shitty end of the stick again. It was reported David Cameron was ushered from Number 10 shortly after the Coup for hospital treatment as he laughed himself silly upon hearing about Blair and Brown’s new jobs. However, he was later found dead with strangle marks to his neck. A ‘Gothic-looking’ type of lady was seen hanging around the area with another Gothic-looking type, this time a man with a shaved head. Tesco Security Officers were appealing for any more information that could help catch the culprits.

Some other Changes From Tesco:

British Airways is Now Tesco Airways

A Tesco Tank Awaiting Orders on Blackpool Beach

Solider With the Latest Tesco Gun

The Full Tesco Mono-Corporatocracy Poster

And Finally…

Police In Manchester Arrest Protester, Pete Judge, For Behaving In A “Threatening Way” Towards Police

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Posted in Political Fiction | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

The Invasion Of Iraq. What Really Happend! [WARNING: STRONG CONTENT!]

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on March 20, 2011

Posted in My Photoshop Manipulations, Political Fiction | Tagged: , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Wankers Of The Decade (so far)!

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on November 4, 2008

I know we still have a few more months left of this year and a whole twelve months after that, but this decade is nearly coming to a close, so I thought I’d pause and reflect on some of the epic wankers this decade has seen, so far, and the mark, sorry… mess they’ve made.
 
First is everyones’ favourite red neck dunce, George W Bush Who basically stole and rigged the US election in 2000! He invaded Iraq with false evidence saying there was *speaks in a red neck accent* W.M.Ds in dem dar hills! While he did that he also managed to alienate a lot of the worlds moderate muslims and simultaneously nick the Iraqi oil! US national debt has grown by 70%, tax cuts for the rich and the world worser place for all his actions.
 
Osama Bin Laden and his band of nineteen simpleton plane hijackers (15 of them from Saudi-Arabia by the way). He and the hijackers, with a little help from the US government, managed to pull off the world’s largest terrorist atrocity in September 2001 (If you ask me the US and UK support of the slaughter of nearly one million communist supporters in Indonesia was more of a terrorist atrocity, but hey… what do I know!). Osama’s plan to cause the west to hate and mistrust the muslim world worked, add this to the US/west letting Saudi-Arabia fund and teach a extreme version of Islam in mosques in the west, and you’ve got a recipe for a larf. That crazy Osama, he’ll be the death of us all! Or will that be the US government?
 
Tony Blair. Well the only thing I think this man will be remembered for is that stupid, fake cheesy grin, his insistence on a photo opportunity, his failure to deliver “Education, Education, Education” (amongst other things) and a ill-advised jaunt in Iraq for a laugh with his ubber bestest mate George Bush. He certainly put the SOLD in Soldier when he sent UK men and women to die for the petrodollar and bank accounts of US big business. Actually if you think about it, he and the Ministry Of Defence (MOD) didn’t, it’s obvious they don’t value their lives because they sent them off to war ill-equipped.
 
Those in the US electorate that voted George Bush in for a second term! Well done!
 
Those of the US electorate that will vote Obama or McCain in to office! Well done again! They only both belong to the same political circles. Sod all will change dramatically.
 
The UK electorate for having the piss taken out of them two times this decade by Labour, and also for the fourth time when they vote the next party in to take the piss out of them again, whomever it may be.
 
Saddam Hussein. We’re all aware of Saddam’s rise to power and how the UK and US helped arm him, but that was the 1980’s and 1990’s. I’m talking about letting the current debacle in Iraq take place! He could have let the weapons inspectors in and done a secret deal with the USA and not been done for nothing and lived in Libya the rest of his life like Ida Amin. No, not Saddam, he wanted unmitigated violence and bloodshed, then again he was insane with power wasn’t he? Who else would think they had a chance against the combined US and UK armed forces? Anyway, he died how he lived, swingin’ dangerously!
 
Mehatmedinnerjacket (President of Iran). Not content with mentally suppressing his fellow country men and women, pissing off the UK by seizing a boat full of solders and holding them and apparently sending fighters to Iraq, he’s building nuclear bombs! Why? Well my first thought was “Small penis!”, but no, with politicians – especially insane ones –  you have to remember they have the mentality of primary school children. If they see something a class mate has they must have it too! Mehatmedinnerjacket – just like the leadership of Iran – wants attention, and like any primary school children they get attention by doing bad things, in this case… kidnaping a boat of British soldiers, making a nuke or threatening Israel. We’ll have to put him and Iran in the naughty corner and bring Germany out, I think 63 years is enough, eh? And while we’re sticking people in the naughty corner we’ll put the UK and US there too!
 
Gordon Brown for NOT imposing tighter financial regulation in the UK when he had the chance! And also for this: we are, we always have been and we always will be a pro business government“.  Nice to know where he REALLY stands. Some people will think I’m taking this the wrong way, well I’m not, they are for the businessman, not the common man.
 
The Human rights act of 1998. Thank you for introducing this Labour! It has managed to make an even bigger mockery of the law. It has managed to make the criminals the victims if anyone dares to defend themselves or their home. Leaving the police and courts with very little power to do anything and as a result the public have lost all faith in law and order in the UK. Only in the UK can you get burgled, stop the thief, ring the police and then get arrested for assault when they finally turn up, if they do at all!
 
Jade Goody. I know you’re ill, but just fuck off! This woman will most likely have a CCTV camera in her coffin so people can see her decompose! She has some serious self-esteem problems.
 
The neo L.A celebrity non-entities and movie stars! Complete waste of time, money, space, skin, organs and oxygen. You can’t open a news paper without seeing a picture of one falling out of a car with their legs open or having made a sex tape that wasn’t meant to be released but really was. Some times on the front page, sells a lot of papers. I think that alone says a lot about our society.
 
The mimics and followers of non-entities and celebrities. You are brainless sheep devoid of intelligence, individuality and sense. You all deserve to be sterilized at the least and shot at the worse, depending on which level of stupidity you’re at.
 
Celebrity culture. Calling what these pointless numbskulls get up to, do or wear “culture” is like calling a pile of shit pure gold. It isn’t culture, it’s just people with low self-esteem wearing or doing materialistic, extravagant things and soaking up attention from idiots who have no idea about anything but popular culture because that’s all they’ve been fed from the media and society.
 
Scallys and Chavs. Pete pointed something out about my “you make me wanna” blog, there was no mention of Scallys and Chavs. So here it is now. Seeing as Scallys and Chavs of this decade are different bread from the last, I think they’ll fit in just fine! The scruffy wankers that have no respect for anything or anyone should have all their possessions taken away from them, including their clothes and burned in front of them while the rest of the community spit at them and call them names. Once that’s done they should be put in wheelie bins and rolled down a very high hill in to a river! Sod the human rights brigade, we’ll do the same to them too!
 
Robert Mugabe. This wanker is epic in proportions, he started off well in the 80’s, doing well for his country and people. Then he went insane with power and since then he’s killed many of his own countrymen, moved white farmers off their land and resettled people on them that had no clue about agriculture. He’s intimidated the Opposition party and has been involved in numerous wars in Africa. Ran the economy of Zimbabwe in to the ground. All this wasn’t his fault of course, it was the UK’s he says. I can see where the UK’s economic warfare on Africa could piss him off but his economy was stable till he messed it up! He’s the actual scar on Africa, not colonialism! Same goes for all the bent African leaders! You are ALL adding to and ARE the instruments of your own continents and countries suffering.
 
Ida Amin (ex-president of Uganda). Died in 2003. GOOD! Why’s he a wanker? He literally got away with murder.
 
The British National Party. Racial purists Nazis parading as patriotic freedom loving citizens! Bullshit! To undertake most of their policies they’d have to break many laws and revoke the rights of certain people who aint white and straight. If you are going to vote for a party where most of the leadership, who am I kidding, ALL of the leadership idolize Adolf Hitler and Oswald Mosley and still think you’re going to get freedom and fairness in return, then you deserve to be taken for a ride! Why are they wankers? Well they’re Nazis, they’ll deny it till the cows come home because they want to attract more of the voting population, they wont make things any better in this country.
 
The guys and gals who thought it was a great idea to take advantage of Bill Clinton’s deregulation of the US financial system in 1999, and give people loans who can’t afford to pay them back. Then get all those bad loans and lump them in to a big package of loans where the negative loans would be canceled out by the majority of good loans and then trade them world-wide! You all truly are a credit to human kind, the way you wiped trillions of pounds of the world economy and made people jobless, lose their homes, livelihoods and savings was the pinnacle of human achievement in recent times! Well done you smart bastards ye, you truly are the greatest generation!
 
The Conservative (Tory) Party. You have been nothing but a Joke since the mid 80’s really and rendered obsolete by New Labour who have played you at your own game. Just give up and stop annoying me by having photo ops with David Cameron acting like Tony Blair. It’s just painful! The two main faces of popularity you have are Anne Widecomb and Boris “the fool” Johnson, when they are your main faces you may as will give up and just join the BNP.
 
That’s all for today, if you can think of any bigger wankers then tell me, I’ll add them to the list! By the way, you can’t add me to the list before any smart arse starts saying I belong on it. Why? Because I’m a tosser!
 
Suggestion by Chris: Local councils and officers. Not content with earning 2% of their income illegally, they are always making cock-ups in their calculations. Over paying this, over paying that and then demanding the over payment which was their fault of YOU!. Not collecting bins on time, not making repairs on time etc etc… the list is endless! How could we forget these lot?
 
Suggestion by Pete: AOL. The internet provider, like all net providers, insists on saving money by sighting their help and technical support centres in India somewhere! The people they higher then proceed to tell you in broken english to go out and buy a new keyboard, mouse, router, filter (in my case) when the cause of it was unrelated to none of that. Or in Pete’s case, un-plugging literally everything connected to the PC when he had a connection problem that seems to be pretty much their service or a simple set of sockets? So yeh, AOL, wankers indeed… oh and BT!

Posted in Wanker of the week | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Blair Talks Sense (for once!!)

Posted by DeadAnarchistPhil on December 2, 2006

                                               Sense?
 
After being in office since 1997 Tony Blair actually said something sensible yesterday. If you didn’t know it was world Aids day yesterday, and it being an important day and also a good publicity opportunity for the washed up power-hungry egomaniac to flash his fake smile and roll out the grown up words to MTV’s wanker extraordinaire Tim Cash.
 
Yes the brown nosed concocter of lies and forger of dossiers and invader of Sovereign states, said in his words: “The ban on condoms is hindering the battle to stop HIV/AIDs.” Took him long enough didn’t it? He continued: “The Catholic church and all religions should accept of the use of the contraceptive.” Noticed he didn’t mention the morning after pill, that would get him in the shit! He also said: “If we have a sort of a blanket ban (That’s a forced ban!, or you go to hell!) from religious hierarchy then you discourage people from doing what they need to protect their lives.” (If we keep the ban people will die!)
 
The Pope is said to be considering relaxing of the ban, and while he makes his mind up about the unwritten religious law (which was made by a man!, not God!) thousands get infected. Because of this man and his predecessors and the cult they belong to (because that’s all it is a cult) and their combined indecisiveness and their blind religious stupidity millions will die AGAIN!! thanks to another man and his interpretation of god’s word.
 
Take your time Ben!!!!! (the pope), it’s not as if it matters to you does it? Because all the people who die from AIDs/HIV go to heaven as a just reward for the suffering you helped inflicted! Come on Ben, even Tony Bliar can see, and he’s as blind bent corrupt and power-hungry as you.
 
YOU STUPID BLIND DECREPID OLD FOOL, LOOK AT THE STATE OF THESE PEOPLE AND TELL ME TRUTHLY IT’S GOD’S WAY!!!!!!!! You wont though will you because your never down out of your giant mansion. In stead you choose to look from your balcony at all your serfs and thank your lucky stars you got the top job. Once a Fascist always a Fascist!

Posted in News and politics | Tagged: , , , , | 28 Comments »